Upcoming Events › ›
A list of the latest Anger Coach classes, seminars and events. Click here for more.
- Next Fast-Track Anger Class starts Saturday afternoon, May 19, 2012 in Orange, CA. Couples welcome.
- New Weekly Anger Class starting in Orange, CA Tuesday night. New Class starts Tuesday, May 22, 2012.
- New Weekly Anger Class starting in Long Beach, CA Monday night. New Class starts Monday, May 21, 2012.
- New: Private consultation with Dr. Fiore for marital issues, anger management sessions or Executive Coaching. Call 714-745-1393 for details.
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Anger Coach In The News, Community, and The Web ›
- Dr Tony Fiore has been appointed to the board of directors of the Orange County Psychological Association for a two year term beginning in January, 2012.
- Suggestions from Dr Fiore's writings on "How To Deal With Angry People" (free when you join us on Facebook ) has been included
in a new book changethethingsyoucan.wordpress.com
- The Anger Coach announces an introductory price reduction on their new Marriage Class Online Program. This innovative distance-learning program now costs only $99 and includes proof of enrollment and graduation. It is riuch in graphics and videos making it almost fun to learn the habits that research has shown will improve your marriage or relationship!
- Dr Tony Fiore has been invited to be the speaker at the PALM/Cornerstone of Southern California workshop on February 15, 2011, teaching the eight tools of anger control to other professionals, for continuing education credit.
- September 30, 2010. Dr Fiore was invited guest speaker at An EAP Brown Bag Workshop at St, Joseph Hospital in Orange, Ca. Over sixty hospital employees attended the event ( a powerpoint presentation) to learn and apply the eight tools of anger control.
- The Anger Coach announces its new distance learning course, MarriageClassOnline which teaches you the eight tools of a positive marriage and how to apply them in your relatinship.
- Dr Tony Fiore was interviewed by Natasha Murashev of psychworld.com, a new website where community experts can connect with consumers. She was especially interested in the internet aspects of The Anger Coach, including our distance learning programs and our new Iphone Anger app (AngerCoach Mobile). Read the interview by clicking here.
- Dr Tony Fiore was recently interview by Hadley Finch, of "Tribe of Blonds-" an internet website and radio show devoted to singles. Topic of the show was :A Lasting Love - Your 8 tools to Control Anger and Keep Love Alive. You can hear the interview by going to http://bit.ly/bBM6ZR
- Anger Coach Online now has a 16-hour online class to add to the core 10-hour class. Details at http://www.angercoachonline.com
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- New Anger Coach Videos are now on you-tube and on this site. These short videos explain our eight tools of anger control. To see on You-Tube, go to http://www.youtube.com/drtonyfiore. Click here to access videos from this website.
Click Here to Learn More About Becoming a Century Anger Management Sponsor
From our blog › ›
| Sat, 21 Jan 2012 00:56:52 +0000 Angry People, Conflict Resolution, Quick Anger Tips Do You Display Defensive Anger? Three New Strategies to Deal with Verbal Attacks! Doc, the new client said, I am not an angry guy. I only get angry when people piss me off. The rest of the time I am fine This humorous interchange occurs often in our anger management classes. We gently explain that, of course, it is much easier to stay [...] |
| Thu, 08 Dec 2011 22:13:19 +0000 Happiness, Health, Positive Psychology, Quick Anger Tips, Stress Mindfulness and Anger Management Mindfulness and Anger Management- Guest Article We all have moments when things slow down and we are suddenly very present for life. We often have this ‘tuned in’ experience when we are in nature, or it it may happen when we are highly focused on some activity, or sometimes it occurs when we are simply [...] |
| Tue, 29 Nov 2011 02:12:49 +0000 Family Stress, Stories from the world of Anger Management A Master Passive Aggressive Some times you have to give the devil his due! Such is the case with my brother Tom, an intelligent but very manipulative young man as we were growing up in Ohio. He and my Italian-American father were constantly conflicting with each other because Tom was..well, very stubborn and my father simply didn’t have the [...] |
| Tue, 06 Sep 2011 22:12:50 +0000 Angry People, Marriage, Quick Anger Tips Do some angry people not show it? We all recognize the hot-headed person who yells, shouts, has a red face, clenched fists and bulging neck veins when angered or frustrated. It is easy to see that person as angry. But, is it possible to be just as angry but never show it? To suppress angry feelings or turn them inward so that the anger affects our [...] |
Click Here to articles by Dr. Tony Fiore
Business Resources › ›
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About the Anger Coach › ›
Information about our organization.
Articles by Dr Fiore › ›
Three ways to deal with a passive-aggressive person
By Anthony Fiore, Ph.D.
The Anger Coach
Thirty-three year old Roberto had promised his wife Tina that he would be home after work in time for her to attend her weekly "women's group" at her church. Having only one automobile, Tina was completely at the mercy of Roberto's promise.
You guessed it! Roberto did not show up until 8:45 PM—way too late for Tina to attend her meeting. Rather than being apologetic, however, Roberto explained to Tina (who was outraged at this point) that he "couldn't help it" because "I had to help a friend out who's car had broken down". He lamented "How could I let Michael down? He was best man at our wedding".
Was Tina being unreasonable in her anger? After all, Roberto was helping out a mutual friend. Yet, looking deeper into this situation, turns out that Roberto really didn't want Tina to attend those meetings because it was "putting ideas into her head".
Yet, he couldn’t just forbid Tina from attending, so he handled the situation in an underhanded way—sabotaging her attendance in a way that would still make him look good.
After all, he could argue, what reasonable person would get mad at someone who was late because he was helping out a friend?
The anatomy of passive-aggression
Passive-Aggression is a psychological mechanism for handling hostility or anger in an underhanded or devious way that is hard for others to prove. Sometimes the passive-aggressive is aware of what he or she is doing, and other times not.
Yet, the result is the same—things are sabotaged by the passive-aggressive and it somehow is never their fault. A really good passive aggressive is very slippery with excuses, justifications, or alternative reasons for why things go awry.
Passive-Aggression may not be expressed directly in behavior—but in words or humor. Sarcasm which communicates hostility is often a tool of the passive-aggressive person, as are jokes made at your expense.
Some common examples of passive-aggressive behavior:
- When conversing with someone who is angry at you, they leave out important information which gives you the wrong impression.
- Talking behind the back of a co-worker in a harmful way—gossiping.
- Exaggerating the faults of your spouse (behind his or her back) to your parents while maintaining “sweetness” toward your spouse.
- Playing dumb or inadequate to frustrate someone or gain advantage.
- Upset with your wife's weight, you "affectionately" call her "pork chop" in public in a way that appears playful on the surface.
Three tips to cope with passive-aggressive behavior:
Dealing with passive-aggressive behavior is extremely challenging because a really good passive aggressive is very slippery.
Often, too, you may not be sure if you have been the victim of passive-aggressive behavior—or not. You may be feeling angry and upset, but not sure why or if it is justified.
How do you tell? One way to identify it is to look for patterns in someone’s behavior— not just isolated incidents. For instance, if Roberto generally is dependable and is home on time for Tina to attend her meetings, the one “miss” may not be motivated by passive-aggression. However, if he often sabotages Tina’s attendance while denying he is doing so, a behavior pattern is evident.
What should you do to deal with passive-aggression once you have identified it?
Tip #1- Directly confront the behavior and ask if the person is angry at you. For instance, ask "You called me pork chop tonight. Do you have issues with my weight?"
Tip #2. Be on guard and don't trust what the person says or commits to. Develop a Plan B. For instance, Tina could have arranged for someone else to pick her up for the meeting in case Roberto didn't make it home on time.
Tip #3. Use assertive communication skills to let a person know how what they do affects you and makes you feel. Try something like "I heard you repeat something that I told you in confidence. That really hurt me; please don't do it again because I would like to trust you".
Tony Fiore, Ph.D, is a practicing psychologist and anger management trainer in Southern California. He can be reached at 714-771-0378, on the web at www.angercoach.com or by email: [email protected]. He publishes a free monthly newsletter "Taming the Anger Bee", and is also co-author of "Anger Management For The Twenty-First Century" which explains the eight tools in much more detail. Century Anger Management (www.centuryangermanagement.com) provides certification training for anger management professionals.
Copyright © 2006 Dr Tony Fiore,The Anger Coach www.angercoach.com All rights reserved. Permission granted to reprint this article on your website without alteration if you include this copyright statement and leave the hyperlink live and in place.
