Law Professor Carl Sanborn knows all about anger in men and has written a fascinating new book about it. Some very interesting ideas:

“The sad fact is that both boys and girls are warped by societal expectations — by what Sandborn calls patriarchy.” “I know, all red-blooded men cringe when they hear that word, patriarchy,” says Sandborn. “But in our resentment against feminist criticism, men have missed a vital point. Patriarchy has stolen our hearts and is killing us.” 

The theft, according to Sandborn, is of the ability to express, process or even feel a normal array of human emotions. “Patriarchy stresses power over weakness and individual achievement over community and intimacy. 

Girls lose their voice, their power, under such pressures. Boys learn to be ashamed of their sensitive or “sissy” feelings. So boys suppress such feelings, though they can’t ever outrun them. “Sandborn says men, if made to feel ashamed, sad or hurt, react by getting angry at the cause, be it a boss, spouse, child or friend. The “other” gets blamed for making him feel what he shouldn’t feel as a man — vulnerable. 

“The point is, if you scratch an angry man, you’ll often find a grieving man underneath — a guy who has never learned how to identify and process his vulnerable feelings.” “As Shakespeare put it, the voice of a father is like the voice of God,” says Sandborn. “And that critical voice is often incorporated into the ongoing internal narrative that we use to define our world.” 

“Expressing anger doesn’t work for angry men, either. A feedback loop starts when anger is expressed at a loved one, for example. Anger leads to guilt, leads to self-loathing, leads to more anger. “The answer? To begin, men must soften the cruel self-talk by adopting a patient and supportive inner voice. As Sandborn says, a man can become his own kind father. 

He advises men to pay more attention to their feelings. “Give yourself permission to feel things. The truth is that feelings, with permission, will rise and then pass. Admit your guilt or sadness to yourself. But use a gentle voice. Everyone is flawed. Everyone makes mistakes. No one is a perfect husband, father or friend.”Remember, too, that anger is natural when a person feels attacked. But Sandborn says we can express angry feelings without losing our temper. Often, what we want to express to the other person is not our anger, but our hurt feelings.

Sandborn has a point. In our anger management classes we teach what is called “assertive communication” - the ability to express emotions without losing one’s temper. It is one of the eight tools of anger control we teach men- and women too - to better manage their emotions. More at http://www.angercoach.com

 Calvin Sandborn is a law professor at the University of Victoria in British Columbia.  His book on anger management, Becoming the Kind Father: A Son’s Journey (New Society, 2007) can be viewed at http://www.newsociety.com/bookid/3951  Professor Sandborn can be reached at csandborn@law.uvic.ca    Š

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What is emotional happiness? Can people predict how happy they will be in the future? When people look back at their lives, do they regret inactions or actions more?

These and many other questions are answered in a fascinating best seller by Harvard Professor Daniel Gilbert titled “Stumbling on Happiness.”  The answer to the first question is that emotional happiness is a very personal and subjective feeling. There is no way to compare the experience with others or measure it with anything in the physical world. If someone says they are happy or not happy, you must take their assessment at face value, even though you have no way of knowing if their “happiness” is the same feeling you are having when you say you are “happy” or “unhappy.”
As for the second question, research show that people are very poor at predicting their future happiness, which may explain why people make all kinds of life decisions thinking they will be happy, but many times, they are not.  He argues that our brain is wired to base future happiness on how we feel when we make the prediction (the present) which may be quit different than how we feel when the actual future event occurs. Thus, things get confused and distorted.
Finally, studies reveal that at the end of life, people more often regret what they didn’t do than things they did do. This means that maybe we should do more things for happiness.

This book has hundreds of other fascinating conclusions and findings about happiness and well-being. Many of these concepts are part of our anger management live classes as well as our online classes; our thinking is that the more we achieve happiness the less angry we will be, as the two emotions are pretty much incompatible. More informations at www.angercoach.com

Do you believe in forgiveness or revenge? or both, depending on the circumstances? That was the topic this evening in our anger management class held in Orange, California. The topic brings out many conflicting emotions in participants, as all admitted to struggling with the concept of forgiveness and letting go of grievances. Research shows that people who can forgive have better, healthier lives, with much less anger and turmoil. Yet, some admitted they felt like “wimps” for “weak”  if they didn’t get “even” with those who had wronged them, especially if it was done on purpose with ill intent. The rebuttal to that issue is that forgiveness occurs in the heart and not in your interaction with those you forgive. This means that you can forgive, but still protect yourself from further abuse by the offending person. You can forgive, but sever the relationship. We then discussed that this is easier to do if you can find a way to not take the offense so personally and find a way to put positive meaning into the bad experience you had.

The Anger Coach, with Century Anger Management, had developed a unique and acclaimed model of anger management called the “Eight Tools” model. Tool #3 is “Respond instead of React” meaning that human beings have the unique ability to decide and make choices how to deal with anger triggers in their world. This means we have to be flexible in our approach to anger triggers as well as take responsibility for our own decisions. No one says it better and more succinctly than poet Portia Nelson in a poem called “Autobiography in Five Short Chapters:”

Chapter 1

I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in.

I am lost. I am I am helpless.

It isn’t my fault.

It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2.

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend I don’t see it.

I fall in again.

I can’t believe I’m in the same place.

But, it isn’t my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it is there.

I still fall in. It is a habit.

My eyes are open.

I know where I am.

It is my fault.

I get out immediately.

Chapter 4.

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.

Chapter 5.

I walk down another street.

More on anger management classes at http://www.angercoach.com or http://www.angercoachonline.com

The Anger Coach is now offering a special program to help couples resolve relationship conflict. It is for new couples, couples who need relationship enhancement, and high conflict couples near divorce. The Keeping Love Alive program by Michelle Weiner-Davis will be offered as a six-hour program (two Saturday mornings) in Orange, California. Dr. Fiore, psychologist and anger management trainer, is a certified Keeping Love Alive facilitator. This acclaimed program works even if only one partner attends. It focuses on practical solutions to relationship issues- not the past, not on personal backgrounds and not on just analyzing what is wrong with your relationship. Because it is practical and goal-oriented, men love this program too! Reasonable cost includes all materials, registration and six hours of class. Details by clicking here.

August 2, 2008

Dr. Tony Fiore, owner of Anger Coach Online, a leading web-based anger management program, announced today his company will be providing 1/2 price discounts to active military people who are struggling with anger issues, or anticipate that they will have issues when they return home. This is in response to numerous military personnel who have requested the program, but indicate they have limited funds. The Online Program teaches eight tools of anger control such as how to better deal with stress, how to communicate more effectively, how to change self-talk, and how to adjust expectations to be less angry. Normally $195, the 10-hour program can be purchased by military personnel for $100. Interested persons should email Dr Fiore at drtony@angercoach.com and request a military coupon.

The answer  may be “yes”, according to a new book titled “How to improve your marriage without talking about It” by Doctors Pat Love and Steven Stosney. These authors argue that the human brain is more socially structured than that of any other animal, and there are gender differences in how the human brain works. In general, a man is likely to use destructive communication patterns if he experiences or is trying to avoid the experience of failure as a provider, protector or lover (that is, he wants to please his woman). Women, on the other hand are motivated by avoiding fear of harm, isolation or deprivation. If these needs are not satisfied, according to the authors, women start using destructive communication patterns, just like the men do.

Men report that they want a closer, more intimate relationship just as much as women, but they report feeling more distant when they have to TALK about their relationship. Women have a dread of isolation and need connection energy from their man. To avoid conflicts, and increase connection with each other, the authors recommend the following ways to connect without talking:

Best ways for women to connect with men:

1. Activities - Do something with him that he enjoys doing. He loves activities that the two of you do together.

2. Touch - Easy to do; goes a long way with men.

3. Routine - men are very routinized but you give meaning to his routine. Appreciate your importance to him when he goes about hois routine and be open to small a mounts of connection.

4. Let him see you happy. Your man loves to make you happy.

5. Sex. It’ s his way of getting a dose of the bonding chemicals that you get through talk.

The Anger Coach program includes these concepts in our “communication” tool segment of our anger management programs.  For more information, go to www.angercoach.com

Did you know that the number of predictor of divorce is the habitual avoidance of conflict?

According to new research discussed on website www.smartmarriage.com, successful couples are those who know how to discuss differences in ways that actually strengthen their relationship and improves intimacy. Successful couples know how to contain their disagreements. That is, they know how to keep them from spilling over and contaminating the rest of their relationship rather than avoiding conflict altogether (which can often cause resentment and complete shutdown of communication)
Fact is, every happy, successful couple has approximately ten areas of “incompatibility” or disagreement that they never will resolve. Instead, they learn how to manage the disagreements and live life around them.

What happens if we switch partners? We’ll just get ten new areas of disagreement, and sadly, the most destructive will be about the children from our previous relationships.

In addition to skills for handling disagreements, we also have to learn to welcome and embrace change. When we marry we promise to stay together till death do us part - but, we don’t promise to stay the same! We need skills to welcome, integrate and negotiate change along the way.

The good news is that the skills or behaviors - behaviors for handling disagreement and conflict, for integrating change, and for expressing love, intimacy, support and appreciation- can all be learned. Couples can unlearn the behaviors that predict divorce and replace them with behaviors that keep love alive.

One such course is offered by the Anger Coach. Conflict resolution is an important part of anger management for both individuals and couples. Details of our classes ar http://www.angercoach.com

Anger Coach Online, the popular distance learning program of The Anger Coach now offers a free ebook of the course material, once the online course is completed. This is in response to many requests for the program by persons who had completed it, but then had no way to review the material at a later date. The ebook can be downloaded immediately after completion from the website, according to Dr Tony Fiore. All that is required to access it is a pdf reader which is automatically installed on many computers. If not, the reader can easily be installed at  no cost from adobe. Details of the 10-hour online program at http://www.angercoachonline.com

Century Anger Management, the training organization for the Anger Coach and AJ Novick Group has been recertified by the California Standards Training for Corrections Programs for the year 2008-2009. This means that our training program again meets the training requirements as set forth by the Corrections Standards Authority for California Counties participating in the Standards and Training for Corrections Programs. More information about becoming certified as an Anger Management Professional is available at http://www.angercertification.com

Century Anger Management gains new approval from the Illinois Alcohol & Other Drug Abuse Professional Certification Association.  This new approval is in addition to the numerous other approvals granted to Century Anger Management’s world class training model.Century Anger Management is one of the leading global providers of anger management certification training.  They are the only anger management training provider to offer both live, home study and online professional certification training programs.  Their exclusive “8 Tools Model” is quickly becoming one of the most recognized methods for teaching anger management skills.

For more information visit either www.centuryangermanagement.com or www.angercertification.com.

We all LIKE being right, but some people HAVE to be right as a matter of power and control over others. These people are very rigid in their thinking patterns because they don’t allow that others may have equally valid opinions or ways of doing things.  While it IS true that sometimes we indeed have to draw a line-in-the-sand regarding what we consider “right,” and “wrong,” most conflicts between family members or other intimate relationships involve issues that usually are in the “gray” area rather than being starkly black and white.

To be less angry. let go of those “gray” issues (and even some of the black and white ones, if you can). Remember that while you may be technically “right,” the emotional cost of holding on to your righteousness may indeed by very high.  What good is it to be right if its cost is the generation of hatred or emotional distance in a family member?

“As soon as you concern yourself with the “good” and “bad” of your fellows, you create an opening in your heart for maliciousness to enter. Testing, competing with, and criticizing others weaken and defeat you”……Morihei Ueshiba

We live in a complex world with over 6 billion other people, many of whom see things, value things and do things very differently from you. If others do things that upset us, it is natural to tell ourselves they are “stupid,” “wrong,” “bad,” “crazy,” or to make other judgments about them which may or may not be true or accurate.

A better way to talk to yourself is to remember that perhaps they are not 100% of the problem. Remind yourself that, as they say, it takes two to tango. That is, upsetting anger occurs as a result both of what they do and how you react or respond to it. Someone else may see the exact same behavior exhibited by the person upsetting you, but yet not become angry or bothered by it.

No offense, but in some situations you may be part of the problem. If so, perhaps you need to develop more tolerance, empathy, or understanding. When someone does something that upsets you, another way to interpret your being upset with them is that you lack coping skills at that moment to successfully deal with the situation.

Rather than angrily blaming the other for their behavior, focus instead on developing personal skills to better cope with it.  For instance, have a teacher you don’t like who irritates you? Rather  an becoming angry or refusing to learn in that class, ask yourself how you can learn to better cope with him or her.  Trust that this may be a growth experience that will help you learn to better cope with difficult people in your future.