In the previous chapter, Brent attended his first telehealth session with Dr. Tony. When he returned home to his wife, Tessa, he was met with hostility and scepticism.
Tessa refused to attend the session for fear of being blamed for her infidelity; however, she was surprised how Brent began opening up to her and communicating for the first time in months, allowing her to do the same without feeling judged.
To read the previous chapter, click here. Otherwise, please enjoy Chapter Two.
Chapter Two
The following Saturday morning dawned overcast and grey, the perfect weather for what used to be Tessa and Brent’s treasured day of the week they referred to as ‘Caturday’. A day where they turned off their phones, snuggled on the couch, talked about their week and binge-watched the latest series. At the same time, Chess, their spoiled, oversized cat, divided his time sleeping on the lap of his two favorite people while he soaked up all the pats and love he could.
Their justification for this special day was that they wanted to spend time with their furry friend, given that Chess had been home alone all week. In reality, they really enjoyed spending the whole day in comfy clothes, relaxing, and making the most of their time together.
However, it had been months since they had enjoyed a proper Caturday. They struggled to get through a single TV show before the bickering began, and forget about trying to talk, it led to an instant argument. The worst thing was that they were repeatedly reliving the same fight. It was like a hostile version of Groundhog Day.
Rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, Brent’s hand explored the space beside him and found the sheets cold and empty. Tessa was already up. ‘That’s strange’, he thought. Tessa was a die-hard night owl, especially on Fridays. She was notorious for reading all night and promptly fell asleep when he turned on the TV. It drove him mad to replay the same episodes over and over, but it was a well-worn thread in the tapestry of their marriage.
Listening, he could hear the familiar sounds of the coffee pot being filled and Chess meowing. “I’ve already fed you, orange one,” he heard Tessa say, her voice drifting up from the kitchen. “You keep eating this way; your legs won’t be able to touch the ground.” Brent smiled to himself. Tess sounded like she was in a good mood, and he felt the same.
Yesterday evening, he had his second telehealth session with Dr. Tony, and for the first time since their problems began, Brent felt a feeling that he thought was lost to him. He felt clarity.
The topic was circular causality. “Say that three times quickly”, Brent joked, prompting a small chuckle from his therapist. Dr Tony explained circular causality as an ongoing loop in which each partner’s reaction fuels the other, trapping them in an unending cycle of blame, defensiveness, and misunderstanding.
“Think of it as a perpetual ‘He said’, ‘She said’,” Dr Tony explained when Brent looked at him with a perplexed expression. You may be arguing about something entirely new. Still, it inevitably circles back to the same old argument you have had time and again.”
“It is not about who started the argument, who is right or wrong; it is about recognizing the pattern of how you fight.” Dr Tony continued.
“I think I understand,” Brent said, recalling their most recent fights. “We could be arguing about whose turn it is to take the trash out, and within a few minutes, we are straight back fighting about infidelity, apathy and how Tessa feels ignored in the marriage.”
“That is exactly it,” Dr Tony said encouragingly. “Think of it as a dance with familiar steps you know by heart.”
Brent laughed bitterly. “Feels more like a verbal boxing match than a dance.”
Dr Tony chuckled again. “That’s why we need to slow everything down and examine the steps leading up to these arguments to work out how things go sideways.”
Pulling himself away from his thoughts and shedding the heavy blanket, Brent sat up, stretched, marvelling at the pops and cracks his body made as he stood, and shrugged into the fluffy robe he saved for weekends.
As he walked into the kitchen, the smell of coffee filled the small room. Tessa stood at the stove, attempting to flip a half-burnt pancake. He smiled as he watched the doomed pancake slide from the egg flip, hitting the pan’s side and spraying batter droplets all over the stainless steel backsplash. Tessa swore quietly under her breath. Chess, helping in the way only cat cats can, slinked oily between her legs, his orange tail chittering in anticipation of a back scratch.
“I think you cremated breakfast.” Brent said with a smile, planting a kiss on her cheek. Tess was not one for early morning affection; a quick peck was as much as she tolerated until her third cup of coffee.
“Yep!” She said, “Guess which one’s yours now?”
Brent began laying out the plates, busying himself with the morning routine, when Tessa surprised him by asking, “So, how’d things go yesterday with the Doc?”
Brent looked up to gauge her mood and decided she was genuinely interested. “Pretty good,” he admitted. “Actually, better than that. I felt like I had a breakthrough. Are you okay with me sharing?”
“Of course,” Tessa said, turning off the stove, abandoning the charred pancakes and grabbing a box of granola out of the cupboard instead.
“Have you heard of something called circular causality?” Brent asked.
Tessa shook her head slowly but raised her eyebrows, encouraging him to continue.
“Well, think of it this way. We start to dance together. It may be the tango or waltz, but it is something different every time. Do you know what I mean?”
“I’m following,” Tessa said, her attention focused.
“So, we are dancing away happily when suddenly our steps begin to change. It is a familiar rhythm only we know, and every time we follow these steps, it results in angry movements where neither of us is in control.” Brent sighed, frustrated. “I think I said it right; it’s hard to explain.”
“No,” Tessa said, nodding. “I get what you mean.” She leaned back in her chair, inviting Chess to jump onto her lap. “Basically, what you are saying is that regardless of what argument we have or, as you were saying, what ‘dance we do’,” her fingers mimed air quotes, “it always leads back to the same old fight.”
“Yes!” Brent exclaimed. “That is exactly it!” A feeling of relief washed over him. He loved his wife’s quick mind, which made the jump from analogy to reality in one easy step.
“So, what are our negative dance moves?” she mused. What steps do we take that lead to arguments?” Tessa inhaled suddenly and straightened in her chair, disturbing Chess’s position. She caught her cat just before his ample butt slid from her lap. “Now, I don’t want this to become an argument, so let’s promise to be careful about the steps we take now, agreed?”
“Agreed.” Brent replied. He couldn’t believe how well the conversation was progressing, especially because Tessa was not a morning person.
“Okay,” Tessa said, “I’ll go first. When we have an argument, especially recently, I begin to think back to how it feels when you pull away from me. So, regardless of what we argue about, that feeling overwhelms me. I begin to blame you, even if it has nothing to do with that emotion and that leads us back to the same old fight.”
Brent nodded slowly. He understood exactly what she meant.
“I feel the same,” he admitted, “just in a different way. I struggle with lack of trust.” He said, as diplomatically as possible, “So, it doesn’t matter what we are fighting about. I remember back to what happened with Heath, and it makes me so angry.” He saw Tess wince when he mentioned her ex-lover’s name. Still, he continued, “So when that happens, I either say something mean about infidelity and trust, or I shut down.”
The silence hung between them as they allowed their emotions to settle.
“So, how do we stop this from happening,” Tessa said. “Did the Doc have any insights to help?”
“Dr Tony said it is important to interrupt the cycle before things escalate,” Brent said. He reached for the granola box and poured a bowl for each of them, taking the time to gather his thoughts; he didn’t want Tessa to feel trapped or go on the defensive.
Brent continued, “I think understanding and acknowledging this pattern is the first step. If we realize we are beginning our negative dance, we can stop and either change our steps or take a break. What do you think?”
Tessa chewed at her bottom lip. A telltale sign she was feeling stressed. “Do you think we can talk about what triggers the arguments without it becoming a big fight?”
“We can try. How about we start small? Baby steps?” Brent said, managing a smile that felt sincere despite its reluctance to form. “The Doc mentioned using a code word when we feel a conversation is starting to go sideways. Something that we can both use to help diffuse the situation. Do you think that would work?”
Tessa’s face darkened, “I don’t want to use the word ‘Time out’. I had too many of those as a kid.” She began scratching Chess under the chin, and he responded with a deep purr.
Brent knew about Tessa’s troubled upbringing and how it still haunted her. “Definitely not ‘Time out’; that is verboten. How about something like ‘Let’s take a break’ or ‘Pause’?”
Tessa’s face lit up. “I love ‘Pause’. Remember the episode from How I Met Your Mother, how Lily and Marshall would use that when they were fighting and needed to take a break?”
“That was a good episode,” Brent agreed. They both loved the show, and the word evoked positive feelings in both of them. He hoped they could use it in the same way as the fictional characters, where instead of continuing down a path leading to a fight, they could pause and then return to the conversation when they were both feeling more in control of their emotions and clear-headed.
Brent looked over at Tessa, who seemed lost in reverie. “Penny for your thoughts?”
She snorted out a laugh, one that sounded both sarcastic and humorous. “Babe, you are going to need a heck of a lot more than a penny for that one, but I was thinking… What if I sat in on your next session?”
Brent’s shock must have been written all over his face because Tessa began laughing again, this time with genuine amusement.
“That would be amazing, Tess. I’d love that.” He was so surprised by her willingness to cooperate that he was almost at a loss for words.
Tessa wrapped her hands under Chess and stood, cradling the cat against her. “I don’t want to actually talk or be a part of the session, not just yet, but I want to listen.”
“Is it okay if I tell the Doc you are listening?” Brent asked.
“Of course. I’m just not ready to participate. Would you be fine with me doing that?”
Brent nodded, and the relief and love he felt for his wife warmed his heart. “More than okay, I would love that.”
Tess gently deposited the heavy cat on the dining chair and sighed deeply. “So,” she said as she moved to put their mugs in the sink, “How about we hit the couch? I feel up for a day of doing absolutely nothing.”
Brent smiled, “I bet you a ten spot you’re asleep before the first episode ends.”
Tessa returned the grin. “I don’t care if I use toothpicks to keep my eyes open. I’m winning that bet.”
Leaving the breakfast dishes in the sink, ‘That is for future me to worry about,’ Tessa thought, she started towards the living room but stopped when Brent reached out a hand, gently wrapping it around her waist.
“No kisses for you, I am not yet fully caffeinated.” Tessa teased.
“It’s not that,” Brent replied. “I just wanted to say thank you. It means so much that you want to work at this as much as I do.”
Uncharacteristically, Tessa pulled her husband into a tight embrace. ‘Bad breath be damned’, she thought as she hugged him deeply.
If this is what therapy does, she’s willing to give it a try. ‘It’s going to be easy if things are going this well already, ‘ Tessa thinks.
She was wrong.
A Psychologists Insight
Looking at Brent and Tessa’s conversation, I see they are moving in the right direction. However, Tessa may be in for a surprise, as therapy can be a very emotional journey. It can bring up not just current problems but also past trauma, which at times can be confronting. However, this is all part of the journey and why it is essential to trust your psychologist as they are the ones who ensure you are safe emotionally so that you can move forward with a clear and new understanding of the past as well as providing you with tools and coping mechanisms going forward.
I am really pleased to see both Tessa and Brent communicating so well. However, it is not always smooth sailing, and future chapters may have tough times ahead.
Using a code word is brilliant, and it is a tool that I teach to my patients regularly. However, rules must also be in place when a code word is used. Both people have to abide by the rules; otherwise, the code word is useless.
Suppose one person feels overwhelmed and says, ‘Pause.’ The other continues the argument or, worse still, follows their spouse from room to room, ignoring their request for a pause. In that case, this breaks the code word rule and their trust in each other which further breaks down communication.
Here is an easy guide to using your code word. I will use our fictional characters as an example.
- Tessa and Brent must respect their wishes when saying ‘Pause’.
- The conversation must end immediately without animosity or resentment.
- They take this time apart to regain control of their emotions, think with the logical side of their brains rather than the reactive side, and only resume the conversation when both feel they are in a good mental state.
- Tessa and Brent must ask each other if they are ready to resume the conversation when they come back together.
- There must also be a time frame for resumed discussion; otherwise, it can be put off repeatedly and never resumed, negating the purpose of the code word.
I look forward to sharing the next chapter of Tessa and Brent’s journey from “Conflict to Connection” with you. If you think you and your partner are trapped in a perpetual argument, one that you have repeatedly had, please click here to visit my website to schedule your free 15-minute consultation to ascertain if you are the right fit for my new program.
