More and more mothers and fathers are coming to anger management classes due to anger toward their children. Some parents feel they can’t cope with their small children while others report angst with their teenagers.
Most good parents feel guilty when they experience negative emotions toward their children. Yet, it is very common. The typical scenario is one in which children will not do what parents request resulting in escalating anger by the parents resulting in increased defiance by the child.
One anger management strategy that works well with parents is to stop yelling (that always makes things worse) and instead calmly offer choices (that are acceptable to you) to your child. For a younger child, the choice might be something like “Would you like to take you bath before we watch television or after?” (Notice that the child still will have to take a bath; but choice gives him a sense of control).
For an older child, the choice might be something like: “You can go to sleep anytime you like as long as you get up in the morning to go to school and you get good grades.”
Reasoned and well thought-out choices offered by parents help children develop good judgment, and a sense of control over their own lives often resulting in less need to be defiant. And less defiance from children goes a long way toward reducing parental anger.
People are complex. Relationships are complex. Many times we can strongly disagree with someone’s beliefs but still like them as a person. The best example of this is the relationship between the late Rev. Jerry Falwell and Larry Flynt. Rev. Falwell was, of course, head of the Moral Majority political movement and Larry Flynn is best known as a pornographer and more recently a First Amendment advocate. Two people couldn’t be further apart in terms of beliefs and opinions regarding morality, free speech, and sexual expression. Yet, in the end, they became personal friends, often calling and visiting each other (as reported by Larry Flynn himself).
Somehow, despite their differences, they found many things to like about each other and ultimately were able to forge some kind of mutual bond.
How can you do the same thing regarding people you conflict with? The answer is to try and separate in your mind the things you may like about a person vs. what beliefs or values they have that may be different from yours.
Why can’t you like a person who sees the world differently than you do? Anger is often generated by telling ourselves that “different” is wrong or “bad” instead of just “different.”
To reduce your anger, develop more tolerance toward people who think differently than you do, but may have other virtues that you can appreciate.
Anger is an emotion that is often triggered by a common malady of modern life-time stress. When you think about it, you may see that time is the original equal opportunity employer. We all get the same amount of time to work with-60 minutes an hour, 24 hours per day, 168 hours per week, 8730 hours per year. If you live to the average age of 76 years, you will have had 663,480 hours to accomplish your goals, pursue your dreams, satisfy your passions and desires, and make your mark on the world.
Why can some people handle so many pieces of their complex lives so well, while others seem unable to accomplish almost anything throughout the day? We may admire the people who find enough time to run huge corporations (or even countries), contribute to civil causes, sit on numerous boards, participate in the religious community, and spend quality time with their families.
By comparison, we may feel lucky if we just slog through the day and get the basics done, only to gratefully go to bed to prepare ourselves to begin the same process over again the next day.
The difference is often time management. Strictly speaking we can’t manage time (because it marches on without consulting us in any way), but we can manage how we spend it. At its core, time management is about freeing up more time for the things that matter most to you, while still getting the necessary (and sometimes mundane) life duties done and obligations met. Time management will allow you more time for fun and being with the people you love. Successful Time Management often helps you feel less angry and more fulfilled because it allows you to spend more of your life energy the way you choose.
Many people who are court-ordered to anger management admit that alcohol (or other substances) was involved in inappropriate expression of anger. For some people, alcohol brings out rage and irrationality. This is because it can easily pass what is called the “blood-brain” barrier and thus literally goes right to our heads. In many people this impairs judgement, lowers impulse control, and dis-engages inhibition (that little voice inside that says “don’t do it.” ) If you are arguing with someone else who is also inebriated, the effect of alcohol may be doubled – or worse. Â
So, cut back on alcohol consumption and see if there is less anger!  More on an excellent special series of reports on “addiction” on HBO.
Saying no can be awkward, guilt inducing, nerve racking, embarrassing, even risky to friendship and and career, says William Ury, author of a new book, The Power of Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get To Yes.
Not saying no when you hold resentment can also lead to angry outbursts. To say yes to the right things, you have to say no to a lot of other things.
The trick to being a good “no sayer” is to serve your “no” sandwiched between two “yeses.”
For instance: “yes, I would love to do that with you, but I can’t do it this afternoon. Thanks for asking: let’s do it some other time.”
Want to tighten the bond with your partner?
Try emotionally joining your partner in his or her good fortunes in addition to supporting them in their disappointments and life challenges.
This is based on a new study of couples in a short-term relationship reported by Dr. Steven Hendlin.
“The way you respond to your partner’s good fortune – with excitement or passive approval, shared pride or indifference – was found to be the most crucial factor in tightening or undermining your relationship bond.”
“Undoing the negative and soothing your partner’s disappointments – while necessary – are insufficient in creating and maintaining a satisfying relationship. You also need to be actively supporting your partner’s projects and especially their achievements.”
In many ways, what you think is what you feel! To be less angry, challenge “automatic thinking” and replace with realistic self-talk.
Case in point: Recently I had occasion to be in San Diego for a business meeting at a hotel on Mission Bay. Driving from Orange County, I missed my exit and wound up in downtown San Diego. Unfortunately, in trying to get out of downtown San Diego, I felt like poor Charlie in the famous song by The Kingston Trio called MTA with the lyics:
Did he ever return,
No he never returned
And his fate is still unlearn’d
He may ride forever
‘neath the streets of Boston
He’s the man who never returned.
I felt my frustration increasing as every attempt I made to get back on the freeway resulted in construction detours, one-way streets, being behind huge trucks, and 85 year-old tourists driving 5 miles an hour.
In addition, I was now hopelessly late for my meeting.
My first “automatic thoughts” were something along the lines of
“What will they think of me being late?”
“What a stupid jerk to miss your exit.”
“Why are all these slow drivers pulling in front of me?”
” I can’t believe my luck today.”
Then, I decided to think my ratinally and started telling myself things like:
“Calm down. it doesn’t matter.”
“Everybody makes mistakes.”
“Things don’t always have to go my way.”
“These slow drivers have nothing to do with you.”
Changing self-talk this way can do wonders for your anxiety level. It really worked with me. I called my meeting and told them I would be a little late – and then rationally and calmly thread myself around San Diego until I came across the exit freedway I needed.
Sometimes, a trick to anger management is to avoid toxic people in your life – or at least minimize their presence or influence.
You can tell if someone is toxic for you if:
- they have the ability to consistently trigger anger in you, when other people don’t.
- you don’t like who you are or who you become when you interact with them.
- you have constant feelings of resentment toward them.
- they drain all your emotional resources in dealing with them.
You don’t have to put up with people who simply are not good for you – even if they are relatives, co-workers, or neighbors.
You may not be able to avoid them completely, but you often can see them less often, give them less information about you (so they have less “ammunition”), stop confiding in them, or stop making personal sacrifices to please them.
Marital research shows that 69% of the time in marital conflict is spent arguing about “perpetual” issues – issues that are never going to change. Trying to “solve” unsolvable problems (like character or personality differences between husband and wife) creates stress, anger, frustration and conflict. Instead, find a way to accept and live with each other around these unsolvable issues while focusing on changing those issues that are indeed changeable.
Tonight in anger management class, two new enrollees admitted they were there because they see the world as “black and white” with nothing between.
“Things are either right or wrong…this way or that way,” one of the participants insisted.”
“What is wrong with this concept”, I asked?
More experienced class members chimed in that the problem is a practical one – they saw the world (especially the emotional and relationship world) as mostly gray, so a black and white orientation leads to extreme frustration – and anger.
To reduce your anger, try and develop the skill of seeing things as having more than one perspective, and thus more than one correct “answer.”
Relevant joke of the day:
What do you call a person who brags about his or her philosophy of “my way or the highway”?
Answer: divorced!