Throughout my life, I have seen political opponents come and go, listened to people speak of their differing opinions, and watched the events surrounding Washington play out without directly impacting my practice. However, our political climate has been so emotionally charged over recent years that the divide between sides has never been more significant.

In my practice, I have couples come to me for help with matters such as infidelity, differences in parenting practices, and couples who can never see eye to eye or are struggling with perpetual issues. However, until recently, I had never had a couple seek my help due to differences in political matters.

For today’s article, let’s examine the political divide that has disrupted Sean and Tasha’s relationship and learn how they can still respect each other’s opinions without becoming nasty.

Sean and Tasha were married for ten years. For seven of these years, politics rarely even entered their conversation. Neither had any strong opinions about sides and when the nightly news came on, the tousle between political opponents was simply background noise. However, this changed about three years ago when both became heavily invested in politics and divided themselves in opinion.

At first, they could talk to each other about their views and beliefs, and despite disagreeing with each other’s views, their marriage was still harmonious. They could argue their differences without it becoming problematic.

However, recently, their arguments escalated to the extent that they were sleeping in separate bedrooms. The mere choice of which news station to watch created an almost instant argument. They explained that even though they loved each other, they were at their wit’s end and desperately needed my help.

So, what can we do to help Sean and Tasha? Everyone in any relationship has differences of opinion. From friends having a tiff over a meme they didn’t find amusing to a couple with different work ethics. Our differences are unavoidable; in fact, they keep life interesting. How we act when these disagreements occur can strengthen our relationship or divide us as a couple.

Sean and Tasha 

Let’s take a peek behind the curtain: Sean and Tasha come home from work, and Sean switches the news on. His station is tuned to Tasha’s political opponent, and instantly, her back is up. She is on the defensive and, after a short time, begins yelling at the television. Her beliefs are being challenged, and emotionally, she is on the defensive.

Sean, annoyed by Tashas’s reaction, begins arguing and defending his political views, which are being mirrored on the TV show. And the argument is in full swing. They are no longer listening to the news; the news was simply a trigger for a long-standing argument for which they feel there is no resolution.

They begin with raised voices, which evolves into a huge argument, escalating to them yelling at each other. Eventually, Sean storms off. The night ends with them sleeping in separate rooms, physically and mentally alone. The sad part is that Sean and Tasha love each other dearly. They both want their relationship to work, but neither has any idea how to make this happen.

So, what can be done? Should one person change their political views? That would fix everything, right? Unfortunately, not. My job as a psychologist is not to change someone’s mind but, in this case, to help them understand their feelings and learn to empathize with their partner while using the tools, I teach both in my practice and courses to repair and restore their relationship. 

Sean and Tasha can begin by making small lifestyle changes to help calm the tension, such as agreeing to listen to the news on their own devices or with earphones to help reduce stress in the home. Implementing and making little changes allows the couple to focus on building and learning techniques such as empathy, active listening, and respecting each other’s differences. Working with the love they share, these changes, combined with the tools they learn, will help repair and restore their relationship to harmony.

Tools of the Trade

Empathy is a tool we can all benefit from in everyday life. To empathize is to look at the world through another person’s eyes and try to understand their point of view without inserting your opinion into the equation. Sean and Tasha may disagree with each other’s point of view, but by using empathy, they can open up the communication channels and begin lovingly talking to each other.

How do they do this?

Actively listening to another person allows us to understand the other’s point of view without judgment, interruption, or thinking about our response as someone speaks. 

To actively listen, focus on what the other person is saying and their emotion and body language as they speak. Acknowledge the other person’s feelings when replying, even if you may not relate.

Let your partner know you want to understand their feelings and support them. Simple phrases like, “I can see why you feel that way,” can go a long way. When we feel heard and understood, we build trust, which allows us to address more difficult or emotionally charged topics in the future.

Centre Yourself, Stay Calm

To understand someone else’s point of view, you must first be aware of your own emotions. When entering emotionally charged conversations, take the time to center yourself, be mindful of your breathing, and, if needed, step away from the conversation. Resume when you feel in control of your emotions.

Agree to Disagree

It is okay to disagree, but trying to relate to others without conflict is essential. Sean may disagree with Tasha’s opinions, but it would help if he could understand why she feels this way. Once the lines of communication are open and you can speak without it turning into an argument, you begin to understand the other person’s point of view, and what initially seemed irrational becomes something you understand. You may still not agree with their line of thinking. Still, you are talking with each other, being open to each other’s opinions, and showing the person you love that despite the differences of opinion, you still care deeply for them and want to repair what is broken.

In these highly charged emotional times, being kind to those around us is essential, especially those we hold dear. Differences of opinion and conflict are a natural part of everyday life; how we choose to handle these issues makes all the difference.  

Learn to use empathy when you are confronted with an opinion or viewpoint that is against your own; the more empathy we show, the calmer and kinder our world can be. And in these tumultuous times, think about those you love. When you see them next, hold them close and tell them how much they mean to you. At the end of the day, we all need a good hug.

To learn more about empathy and its importance in your relationship, download our mini-course, “Understanding Your Partner: Unveiling The Secrets To A Deeper Connection” for $24.95

In this course, we teach you the art of Irimi. Here, you learn to focus on your partner while centering yourself using your ‘wise adult’ frame of mind. Irimi involves using cognitive empathy to understand your partner’s perspective from a loving and harmonious place. We cover six techniques designed to foster an environment of unity and togetherness, making it difficult for continued hostility.

Our entire course, books, blog, and other classes are available on our website.

Expectation. This single word can cause so much conflict in a relationship. At some point, we all have expectations in a partnership, such as how the other person will behave, think, or feel, and these expectations stem from our own world experiences and personal values.

When our expectations are not met, we can feel irritated, neglected, or hurt; however, when our wants or needs are unspoken, this adds a level of complexity to the relationship that will almost ultimately end in an argument.

Let’s take a peek at Brittany and Clive, who recently went on a romantic holiday but ended up arguing the entire time.

Hawaii was the destination of choice, and as they landed in Honolulu, Brittany, and Clive were excited. They arrived at the hotel room, and after unpacking, Clive clicked on the TV and rang for room service, asking Brittany what she wanted from the menu. Slightly put out, Brittany replied, “I don’t want anything. I thought we were heading down to the pool for a cocktail, and we could grab a bite to eat down there.”

And so began the first of their many arguments, each disagreement adding a layer of tension to their once harmonious relationship.

Brittany wanted to go to the Cheesecake Factory for her birthday dinner and take a walk along the beach afterward. Instead, Clive surprised her with a sunset dinner cruise. Unable to resist the open bar, he ended up getting very drunk, embarrassing and angering Brittany.

Clive was eager to go on the ATV tour they offered on the island, while Brittany had envisioned sampling all the local cuisine Hawaii had to offer and lounging by the pool. Both had a very different holiday in mind, and the unfortunate truth was that they were so caught up in the pre-trip preparations that they neglected to discuss their expectations. They would have realized that their ideal holiday plans were vastly different if they had.

Expectations are a part of every relationship; they influence how we perceive and interact with each other. However, unmet expectations can lead to conflict, disappointment, and hurt.

It is crucial to make time for open and regular conversations about your expectations in a relationship. This could be as simple as discussing who will prepare the meal during the week or as significant as planning activities for a holiday. Express yourself clearly and kindly, and make sure to ask the other person about their expectations and the outcome they envision. You’ll be surprised at how much conflict can be avoided when everyone is on the same page.

I am pleased to announce the launch of our new FREE Mini-Course titled “What Role Does Conflict Play in Your Relationship?”

This FREE mini course is the introduction to my popular series: “Anger and your relationship: The road to repair”. In this course, I offer 3 lessons that help you understand how and why conflict may be playing a role in your relationship. Upon completing the course, you will receive a special offer for future courses.

This course features the following:

• Online class based on material developed by Dr Tony Fiore specific to anger and relationships
• 3 professionally created videos that explain the concepts and enhance your online learning experience
• Short and fun quizzes to give you feedback on your progress in learning the material
• Downloadable PDFs containing worksheets for you to complete at your leisure so that you can record and evaluate your progress through the program

The course is designed to provide you with a unique set of tools to turn to in times of stress.

Click here to download.

Have a wonderful day,

Dr. Tony Fiore.

This topic brings out many conflicting emotions; many of my patients admitted to struggling with the concept of forgiveness and letting go of grievances. Some of my patients feel they need to get even in order to feel vindicated, while others think they will be seen as wimps, especially if the grievance was done on purpose. It’s important to remember that this struggle is a normal part of the forgiveness process, and you are not alone in feeling this way. 

While our knee-jerk reaction may be that we feel vengeful and want to get even, I encourage people to take a step back and think over the situation. For instance, consider a situation where a friend unintentionally hurt your feelings. You may want to snap at them or hurl an equally offensive insult, but it is better to take the time to think things over. Once you have calmed down, you can assess how you wish to move forward, perhaps by forgiving them and maintaining the friendship. 

Given some time, you may realize your friend might have been having a bad day, there may be stress in their lives you are unaware of, or they may have made a comment they did not realize hurt. Taking time to think things over, assess the situation, and then act with a calm head allowed you to move past the situation without escalating the conflict further or harboring resentment toward your friend.

To forgive, we must reframe our negative thoughts surrounding how we felt wronged. We do this by acknowledging the hurt, understanding the other person’s perspective, and finding a way to let go of the negative emotions associated with the event. This is an empowering feeling and an essential tool in this stressful world.

Sometimes, we may choose not to forgive but to end the relationship with the offending person. Depending on the situation, this may be the better path to take. Take Penny and Samantha, for example.

Penny and Sam were friends for many years. Their friendship was not an overly close one but the girls talked at least once a week on the phone and caught up for lunch whenever their schedules allowed.

Throughout their friendship, Sam fell on hard times and asked Penny to borrow money, who happily offered her assistance. All Penny asked was that Sam repay her debt in full over a six-month period. Sam agreed to this, and Penny was happy to help her friend.

Unfortunately, Sam struggled with managing her finances and had no intentions of repaying her friend once the money was spent. Penny gently asked Sam when she was going to be repaid at first, but then, more insistently, Sam ignored her.

Eventually, Sam realized she would never see her money again and resigned herself to the loss. She grieved their friendship but chose to cut ties with her old friend. This choice allowed her to heal and move on from the hurt despite being wronged by her friend. 

Forgiveness allows us to move forward, having learned from the past but not allowing the past to influence our lives negatively. 

Research also shows that forgiving benefits us physically and mentally. For example, it reduces our stress levels, lowers blood pressure, and improves immune function. 

If you feel the need for revenge, instead of reacting, take some time to yourself. Some people like to go for a walk with the dog, while others meditate; kicking back in front of the TV or losing yourself in a good book helps distract you and allow your emotions to settle. Once you have put some mental space between yourself and the situation, you can assess the situation calmly.

As you navigate life’s many complexities, remember the benefits of forgiveness. 

To learn more about recognizing destructive patterns of blaming and avoiding responsibility, download our mini-course, “Why Couples Fight: A Psychologist’s Guide to Understanding Relationship Conflict.”

In this mini-course, we emphasize the importance of centering your mind and body, creating a state of mental and physical calm. We teach you the value of being mindful of your emotions and the importance of acting objectively rather than subjectively. Additionally, we explore concepts such as ‘dropping the bone,’ mastering the art of taking the high road in an argument, and how to deflect sarcasm. While these skills are crucial to every relationship, they are often overlooked. Here, we guide you and help you develop these essential skills so that you can rely on them when stress and conflict inevitably arise.

Our entire course is also available on our website, as well as books, our blog, and other classes. www.angercoach.com, follow the link and start your journey to a harmonious relationship. 

To schedule an appointment, please click here.

Take the High Road.

In my previous post, we learned what happens to our bodies in times of stress, how our brain releases stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline, and how this quickly begins to course through our bodies, increasing our heart rate and blood pressure.

In this post, I explain how to take the high road to de-escalate arguments and restore harmony in your marriage.

The technique I teach is straightforward in theory, but it takes work, time, and practice. Having some basic rules to fall back on in times of stress helps.

Rule #1

You, and only you, can apply this tool. You can not demand your partner follow suit and tell them it is time for them to retreat. This will only further stoke the coals and may result in a rip-snorting, roof-raising argument you are trying to avoid.

Rule #2

It is time to practice your agreed-upon ‘Rules of Governance’, covered in our mini-course. Whether you have just started dating or are 40 years into your marriage, this is a must for any couple.

The Rules of Governance are an agreed-upon set of rules you rely on in good and bad times. This is the perfect time to set an agreed-upon rule: if one person feels that the conversation is getting heated and they think they need to retreat, then the discussion is shelved; you take time to gather your thoughts, no questions asked.

Rule #3

Research shows that it takes 20 minutes to one hour before our bodies return to equilibrium after a stressful encounter. Give yourself time to calm down when you step away from the argument, but reassure your partner by giving them an approximate time frame when you will resume the conversation. This way, they do not feel abandoned; you are reassuring them that you know this is important to them, and you and they don’t feel abandoned.

Ensure you resume the conversation later and within an agreed-upon timeframe as opposed to the problem becoming permanently shelved.

There are a few ways you can approach this. Something as simple as:

 “Hon, I need to take some time to myself; I am not thinking straight and don’t want to say something I don’t mean.”

Or

“Let’s shelve this conversation just for now. I want to discuss this; it is important, but give me a little time. I love you; we will work this out together.”

Offering reassurance that you care about their feelings and want to solve the issue helps your partner understand that you are not simply running away from the problem but doing the responsible thing and addressing it when you are in a better frame of mind.

Rule #4

Refrain from drinking or using illicit substances during your time out. This will only impair your ability to think effectively and will work against you because your partner may rightly think you are not taking the problem seriously if you are drunk or high.

Rule #5

Be mindful of who you speak with during your retreat time. Our instinct is to turn to those who will side with us during a heated argument. We all like to have our feelings validated, but this can work against us as it may impair our clarity of thought and push us firmly in a direction where we refuse to compromise.

We turn again to our Rules of Governance. Here, you may agree not to discuss problems within the relationship with others. Doing so may permanently change their view and color their opinion of the other person.

Here is one example:

Sam and Jeremy had been married for almost 15 years. Both couples got along famously with their in-laws. Sam and Jeremy both weathered the ups and downs of their relationship, but they never spoke ill of each other to family and friends.

One day, Jeremy was using Sam’s laptop as his computer was in the shop being repaired. He was sending an email when a message came in from a name he did not recognize. Without thinking, he clicked on the email only to find another man sending suggestive emails to his wife. He scrolled through the email chain and was devastated to discover his wife had sent the same to him.

Jeremy’s first instinct was to pick up the phone and call his parents. Understandably, he reached out to them, but unfortunately, this permanently changed how his parents viewed their daughter-in-law.

Ultimately, the couple reconciled, but Sam’s relationship with Jeremy’s parents was forever broken. Holidays became a point of contention, and no matter what Sam did and despite her now unwavering loyalty to her husband, Jeremy’s parents refused to trust her.  

Use Your Time Wisely.

When we disengage from an argument, we sometimes do not know what to do with ourselves. It is hard to think straight when you are fuming, angry, and emotionally upset.

So, what should you do? I suggest taking time for yourself and not involving others. Do something that helps calm you and distract you so that you can begin to gather your thoughts.

Some of my patients like to play a game on their iPads. Others prefer to spend time with a beloved pet who helps soothe them. I know one person who, when they need to step away, takes their dog for a walk. 

Once you can calm your nerves, think clearly, and your emotions have returned to normal, it is time to begin thinking about the issue.

Try using a technique called Self-Talk. This helps you change the internal conversations you have in your head from negative to positive, and you can put the problem into perspective without your emotions taking hold.

Try writing down topics you would like to discuss when you come back together. This way, you can think clearly and don’t have to worry about forgetting something important.

Arguments occur within every relationship; how we learn as a couple to overcome differences and make the necessary changes creates a harmonious relationship. 

Your relationship and bond with your partner will strengthen each time you use this technique as issues are aired and solved. Always remember, if in doubt, step away, gather your thoughts, and let cooler heads prevail.

To learn more about taking the high road and self talk, download our mini-course “Discover Harmony In Your Relationship: A Psychologist’s Guide To Conflict Resolution.” 

This mini course introduces you to the concept and principals of Verbal Aikido and its application in marital communication. Verbal Aikido empowers you to resolve marital conflict in a harmonious manner that fosters unity in your relationship. We then explore the importance of emotional connection and how modern day technology has entirely changed our communication methods. Finally, we learn about conflict igniters, what this is, how this behaviour leads to contention and disharmony and we teach you how to address these behaviours effectively and harmoniously to achieve resolution.

This course features the following:

• Online class based on material developed by Dr Tony Fiore specific to anger and relationships
• 4 professionally created videos that explain the concepts and enhance your online learning experience
• Short and fun quizzes to give you feedback on your progress in learning the material
• Downloadable PDFs containing worksheets for you to complete at your leisure so that you can record and evaluate your progress through the program

If you would like to schedule and appointment with me, please click here

How to Let Calmer Heads Prevail. Part one.

Cassie and Phil loved each other dearly but often found themselves in heated verbal battles over almost anything and everything. The most minor disagreements quickly became a full-fledged war over who was right and who was wrong.

This left Cassie and Phil feeling exhausted, emotionally disconnected from each other, nursing hurt, and harboring resentment that grew with each argument. 

When an argument ensued, both immediately went on the defensive; their bodies moved into fight or flight mode, and they hurled insults and comments they would never say when their minds were reasoning. 

Much hurt and resentment could be alleviated if they learned to “Retreat and Think Things Over.” However, many factors prevented them from doing this. First, let us look under the hood and see what happens biologically when we argue.

What Happens to Our Bodies When We Feel Anger?

The first thing that happens is our brain releases stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline. This quickly begins to course through our bodies, increasing our heart rate and blood pressure (this is why some people feel their face flush when stressed.)

Muscle tension and heightened awareness are also felt, helping us with our instinct to either fight or flee.

However, as some senses are heightened, our reasoning ability decreases markedly. This can lead to verbally responding in a manner we would not do under normal circumstances. 

Unfortunately, our body’s reaction to anger and stress can also lead to some people acting or behaving in a physically or verbally aggressive manner. There is a technique I teach to my patients to prevent arguments from escalating. However, there is a small catch.

The Solution Sounds Easy…But Is It?

Walking away from a heated argument allows you to process the physical response within your body, calm down, and resume the conversation when you can both reason and think calmly and without heightened emotion.

However, this advice I offer my patients, especially those seeking anger management, sounds very simple. Still, in reality, it is much harder to put into practice.

As I mentioned earlier, when the brain floods with our fight or flight hormones, it can reach a point of no return where one or neither partner backs down. Both choose to argue to the bitter end and say and do things they later regret.

One may accuse the other of “avoiding” or “running away” from the problem. The other may feel invalidated, or that a resolution must occur, and by walking away, their partner is refusing to confront the issue and find a solution.

Worse still is when one partner needs space and the other, instead of allowing them the time to cool down, follows them from room to room, escalating the argument and leaving the other with no means of escape.

This is a no-win situation for all involved. So, how do we approach this so that both couples feel validated and issues can be broached and resolved even when heated conflict arises?

What are the Warning Signs?

You may be laser-focused on your physiological responses when engaging in a heated argument. However, it is essential to be aware of the external factors in most arguments that warn you it is time to walk away and calm down.

• Feeling overwhelmed.
• Raised voices.
• Feeling your temper rise or getting out of control.
• Feelings of negativity and being unable to focus on your thoughts.
• The argument escalates rapidly.
• Unable to speak logically and being aware of this.
• Wanting to move away or flee from the fight.
• Heat racing, muscles tensing.
• Minor issues suddenly become significant problems.
• Inability to calm yourself and reason during the argument.

Why Retreating to Think Things Over Works.

Temporarily distancing yourself allows you time to calm down, for your body and the hormones to return to normal, and for your brain to go back to its normal state, allowing you to think clearly and rationally. 

Take the High Road.

During a heated argument, our emotional brain takes over from our thinking brain. When this happens, our brain is taking the low road, the path that allows our brain to think on its fundamental level. Our emotional brain doesn’t care for diplomacy, politeness, or the feelings of the person you love most. 

When you retreat before an argument becomes heated, you allow your emotional and thinking brain to work together so that you can understand your emotions and verbalize them effectively while considering your partner’s feelings. This is taking the high road in an argument.

So, How Do I Take the High Road?

In theory, this technique is straightforward, but it takes work, time, and practice, and it helps to have some basic rules to fall back on in times of stress. Stay tuned for part two where I teach you the steps to take the high road and how to overcome differences and make the necessary changes creates a harmonious relationship.

To learn more, download our mini-course, “Why couples fight: A Psychologist’s guide to understanding relationship conflict.”

In this mini-course, we emphasize the importance of centering your mind and body, creating a state of mental and physical calm. We teach you the value of being mindful of your emotions and the importance of acting objectively rather than subjectively. Additionally, we explore concepts such as “dropping the bone,” mastering the art of taking the high road in an argument, and how to deflect sarcasm. While these skills are crucial to every relationship, they are often overlooked. Here, we guide you and help you develop these essential skills so that you can rely on them when stress and conflict inevitably arise.

Our entire course is also available on our website, as well as books, our blog, and other classes. www.angercoach.com, follow the link and start your journey to a harmonious relationship. 

To schedule an appointment, please click here.

Long-term relationships come with a myriad of challenges. From learning to accept quirks that grate your nerves to reconciling after a full-blown argument. Every relationship has highs and lows; it helps us grow together and understand and respect each other’s boundaries. We discover what we are willing to change within reason and what is a core part of us that is set in stone. 

What happens when we hold onto resentment, nursing something from our past that caused deep hurt, and from this, an argument keeps recurring? An argument that, during times of stress, rears its ugly head and worms its way into every fight. Are you able to, or should you, forgive this hurt and learn tolerance for the differences you share?

Forgiveness is a complicated decision that must be made individually and privately. If you want to learn how to forgive but are unsure how here are two strategies to help you:

Forgiveness Strategy #1 – You Can Forgive, but Should You Forget?

Forgiveness allows you to heal, move on, and build a happy relationship while learning from the past; forgetting the event is another. You must remember the past, as this serves as a means of protection for us in the future. Holding onto past hurt can be equally damaging as trying to ignore it. Forgiveness is the key. Forgiveness is remembering without the pain. 

Let’s look at one example:

After ten years of marriage, Cassie and Richard fell into a well-worn routine. Cassie stayed home to care for their young children, and Richard worked long hours at the office. Routine soon turned to boredom for Cassie as she began spending time on social media. She soon struck up a friendship with a man who held very similar interests to hers, and in a tale as old as time, the friendship turned more serious. 

Richard, becoming suspicious of his wife’s increased secrecy, snooped and soon discovered his wife was having an emotional affair with a man from the other side of the world.

Richard was devastated; he had never strayed despite opportunities, and he was deeply hurt that his wife would break the trust he had carefully given her. Cassie took an offensive stance and, instead of apologizing, defended her actions by saying she never actually cheated. She reasoned how she could cheat on a man who was thousands of miles away.

The affair ended, and the couple chose to remain together; however, Richard, who forgave Cassie, could never forget the event. Cassie was incensed that her husband would not simply forget the betrayal that took place. 

I explained to Cassie that the human mind does not work that way; one can’t forget, but you can choose to forgive. Forgiving allows Richard to remember the event but let go of the pain and anger he once held.

Allow yourself to forgive while learning from the past

Forgiveness Strategy #2 – Forgiving does not mean you condone the behavior.

Ego and pride are powerful emotions, and many times, they can prevent us from forgiving, even if, deep down, we genuinely want to. Sometimes, family members or friends reinforce a grudge, enabling us to nurse our ill feelings. 

Other times people take a ‘get even’ approach, believing ‘tit for tat’ will somewhat even the score. This is destructive and immature and often leads to the collapse of a once-strong relationship.

For example:

Whenever Michelle and Damien fought, they became trapped in a battle of the wills. Nothing irritated Michelle more than when her husband left his dirty dishes on the counter, so whenever a fight ensued, the dishes began appearing on the counter.

Michelle knew her husband’s games and refused to clean up his mess. Dishes began to pile up, and the resentment grew until Michelle eventually ran out of crockery, gave in, and washed his dirty dishes. When I asked Damien why he did this, he replied, ‘Show her how angry I am.’

I explained to Damien during one of our sessions how counterproductive his behavior was and that just because Michelle gave in and washed the dishes did not mean he ‘won’ the fight or that she in any way condoned his behavior.

Damian stopped using the dishes to punish his wife. Over time, they learned to communicate their feelings, de-escalating disagreements by taking time apart to cool down and then coming together and talking when thinking logically and not with the reactive side of their brain. (link to that article).

When you practice forgiveness and acceptance by developing the skill of tolerance towards differences in opinions, values, and diverse lifestyles, you discover a new way to navigate life’s difficulties.

To learn more about recognizing destructive patterns of blaming and avoiding responsibility, download our mini-course, “Why Couples Fight: A Psychologist’s Guide to Understanding Relationship Conflict.”

In this mini-course, we emphasize the importance of centering your mind and body, creating a state of mental and physical calm. We teach you the value of being mindful of your emotions and the importance of acting objectively rather than subjectively. Additionally, we explore concepts such as “dropping the bone,” mastering the art of taking the high road in an argument, and how to deflect sarcasm. While these skills are crucial to every relationship, they are often overlooked. Here, we guide you and help you develop these essential skills so that you can rely on them when stress and conflict inevitably arise.

Our entire course is also available on our website, as well as books, our blog, and other classes. www.angercoach.com, follow the link and start your journey to a harmonious relationship. 

To schedule an appointment, please click here.

Life would be blissful and easy in a perfect world, and blame would never point in our direction. We could skate through life doing what we pleased, never being held accountable for our actions. Unfortunately, such a world does not exist, and we all must take responsibility. 

While conflicts and disagreements are a normal part of any relationship, how a couple handles these challenges can significantly impact the dynamics of any relationship. 

A common issue in my practice is when one partner blames the other and refuses to accept responsibility for their actions. This is a recipe for disaster and, if left unchecked, can and will cause a breakdown in even the strongest relationships.

Understanding the Blame Game

Blaming and avoiding responsibility can be a defense mechanism. Here, one person is unwilling to acknowledge their mistakes, shortcomings, or contributions to conflicts and instead blames their partner, holding them solely responsible for the problem. This pattern of behavior, if left unchecked, can create resentment and lead to a serious and sometimes irreparable breakdown in the relationship. 

Lets look at one example:

After a hectic day playing chauffeur to her three children, cooking dinner, and getting the kids bathed and in their pyjamas, Sarah noticed the dirty dishes still piled in the sink. She turned to her husband, “You agreed to do the dishes while I put the kids to bed; why are they still here?” she asked, tired and now quite frustrated.

Tom, defensively, responded, “Stop being so demanding and critical! I need a break, I’m the one who has been at work all day, not you.”

Sarah, though exhausted, sighed and started loading the dishwasher. “I should have managed my time better; I’m sorry.” She replied, now feeling both shame and guilt.

This scenario wasn’t new; Sarah often took the blame to avoid arguments. Tom, accustomed to deflecting responsibility, continued, “You always say sorry but never change. You just make excuses.”

Their conversation spiraled into a familiar pattern. Sarah habitually takes the blame to diffuse tension, and Tom habitually shifts responsibility and commitments, leaving both feeling dissatisfied but trapped in a cycle difficult to break.

How Does the Blame Game Affect Communication?

When one partner consistently plays the blame game, they undermine open and honest dialogue as they continue to evade responsibility. Instead of discussing issues together, they engage in a cycle of accusations and defensiveness, making it nearly impossible to communicate openly and honestly, leaving no way to resolve the issue.

Moreover, blaming and avoiding responsibility often leads to miscommunication. Partners may misunderstand each other’s perspectives, intentions, and emotions, further fuelling the conflict. The inability to take responsibility for your actions can result in a lack of empathy for your partner’s feelings and experiences, causing emotional distance and eroding trust within the marriage.

It is essential to communicate effectively with your partner; without communication, the relationship dissolves, leaving both parties feeling isolated and distanced from each other.

Self-Esteem and Emotional Well-being

The blame game within a marriage significantly affects self-esteem and emotional well-being. When one person consistently shifts blame onto their partner, they neglect their ability for personal growth and self-improvement. This can lead to feelings of stagnation and a sense of powerlessness to effect positive change in the relationship.

Furthermore, being on the receiving end of constant blame can damage a person’s self-esteem. Over time, this can create feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, and a diminished sense of self-worth. Such emotional distress can lead to anxiety, depression, and a reduced overall quality of life for both partners.

Detrimental Impact on Trust

Trust is the bedrock of any successful marriage. Blaming your partner and avoiding responsibility can severely compromise trust within the relationship. When someone evades responsibility, they say, “I cannot be trusted to take ownership of my actions or their consequences.” This breach of trust can lead to a growing sense of betrayal and decreased emotional intimacy between partners.

Breaking the Cycle

To cultivate a healthier and more resilient marriage, it is important to recognize the destructive pattern of blaming and avoiding responsibility and take proactive steps to break the cycle. This can be a challenging habit to break but here are some strategies to achieve this:

1. Self-awareness: Acknowledge the tendency to shift blame and avoid responsibility. Understand that taking ownership of your actions signifies emotional maturity and a step toward personal growth.

2. Active listening: Practice active listening  when conflicts arise. Try to understand your partner’s perspective, feelings, and needs. This will help foster empathy; they will feel heard and validated, opening the door to healthier communication.

3. Self-reflection: Take some time to assess your behavior and contributions to conflicts. You accept responsibility for your actions and acknowledge that working on self-improvement is vital to maintaining a healthy marriage.

4. Seek professional help: If the blame game is deeply ingrained in your marriage, consider contacting a Psychologist specializing in couples therapy. They can provide valuable guidance and strategies for breaking the cycle. I am available for Telehealth consultations; my information is at the bottom of this article.

A successful marriage requires self-awareness, open and empathetic communication, and the willingness to take responsibility for your own actions. These may be difficult steps to take at first, it can be hard to look at ourselves and admit our mistakes, but each time we do, we improve the connection we share with our partner. The less we blame, the more open we are to accepting our own faults and it becomes easier to make the changes needed to create a loving, harmonious life with the person you love the most.

To learn more about recognizing destructive patterns of blaming and avoiding responsibility, download our mini-course, “Why Couples Fight: A Psychologist’s Guide to Understanding Relationship Conflict.”

In this mini-course, we emphasize the importance of centering your mind and body, creating a state of mental and physical calm. We teach you the value of being mindful of your emotions and the importance of acting objectively rather than subjectively. Additionally, we explore concepts such as “dropping the bone,” mastering the art of taking the high road in an argument, and how to deflect sarcasm. While these skills are crucial to every relationship, they are often overlooked. Here, we guide you and help you develop these essential skills so that you can rely on them when stress and conflict inevitably arise.

Our entire course is also available on our website, as well as books, our blog, and other classes. www.angercoach.com, follow the link and start your journey to a harmonious relationship. 

To schedule an appointment, please click here.

Bullying is a distressing experience, especially when it originates from someone in a position of power or authority. When this happens, you can feel helpless and powerless to speak your mind for fear of retaliation, leaving you trapped between a rock and a hard place. 

On the one hand, you would like to tell the bully precisely what you think of them; on the other hand, they know the power dynamic is squarely in their favor, and if you retaliate, the consequences may impact you heavily. This is a difficult situation that many people may relate to. So, let’s look into this topic a little further.

Why Do Some People in Positions of Authority Bully?

Bullying can stem from a complex interplay of both psychological and emotional factors, often reflecting the person’s insecurities, power imbalances, and underlying motivations. Understanding these dynamics may help us understand why some authority figures resort to bullying.

Firstly, their misuse of power is a fundamental factor. Authority figures entrusted with control or leadership might abuse their position to assert dominance and maintain control. In some cases, this behavior results from a need for validation, insecurity, or a fear of losing control, leading them to exert their authority aggressively.

Psychological research suggests that some individuals who use positions of power to intimidate and undermine others may exhibit traits of narcissism. Narcissistic personality traits can manifest in bullying; they use this behavior as a means to maintain a sense of superiority, feed their ego, or manipulate others for personal gain. The need for admiration and lack of empathy may drive them to exert dominance over others.

Another contributing factor could be their own experiences of being bullied or mistreated in the past. Authority figures who have unresolved trauma or negative experiences may replicate these behaviors as a way to regain a sense of control or as a misguided attempt to toughen others up, believing it’s a necessary part of the hierarchy or growth process.

Some bullies lack empathy and the ability to perceive how their actions negatively affect others. They may feel bewildered as to why people avoid them in a personal setting, having no idea that their actions are causing them to feel isolated or rejected. 

How to Cope With a Bully

Firstly, I can not stress this enough, but it’s crucial to understand that the bully’s behavior does not reflect your self-worth. Take this moment to breathe deeply and know there are things you can do to help you regain a sense of control and well-being.

Coping with the emotional and mental impact of a bully can be particularly daunting. Dealing with bullying demands resilience, assertiveness, a solid support network, and understanding why a person may act in this manner.

1. Recognize the Dynamics: Understanding the power dynamics at play is crucial. The bully often uses their position to assert dominance or control and can do this for many reasons. Please recognize that the behavior reflects their misuse of power and does not define your worth or capabilities.
   

2. Emotional Resilience: Cultivating and nurturing your emotional resilience is critical. Take time for yourself, do something that helps you mentally escape, something you can lose yourself in so you are not repeatedly playing a negative conversation or situation over in your head. Engage in your favorite hobbies that bring you joy and help you relax. Writing a journal can also help. Sometimes, expressing your feelings in written form allows you to understand them a little more clearly, and once written, they are out of your head, and you no longer need to hold onto them. Building emotional resilience provides a buffer against the emotional toll of bullying. This way, when you have had a bad day, you know you can lose yourself in something you enjoy; this helps you regain your power.
   

3. Assertiveness Training: Developing assertiveness is empowering. Practice assertive communication, setting boundaries, and expressing yourself confidently and respectfully. Role-play scenarios where you assert boundaries calmly and firmly to build confidence in facing the bully without escalating the situation. Ask a friend to role-play with you to help you practice. When you do meet your bully, do so confidently. Look them in the eye and speak calmly and clearly while asserting yourself. However, do not put yourself in a dangerous situation by asserting yourself. If you feel that you are in danger, call the police or the National Domestic Violence hotline at 800-700-7233
   

4. Document Instances: Keep a detailed record of bullying incidents, including dates, times, and actions. Documenting instances provides clarity and can serve as evidence if you need to report the behavior. It also helps in maintaining perspective and preventing gaslighting attempts.
   

5. Seek Support: It is essential to reach out and ask for help from the people you trust and respect. This might include friends, family, or colleagues who can provide emotional support and perspective. In professional settings, confiding in HR or higher management can be crucial. Seeking professional counseling or therapy can also help as they can offer guidance and coping strategies.
   

6. Understand the Bully’s Motivations: Often, the behavior stems from the bullies own insecurities, power imbalances, narcissism, or unresolved issues. Understanding this can help in depersonalizing the situation and help you focus on self-preservation.
   

7. Be Kind to Yourself: Remind yourself of your worth, capabilities, and strengths, and know their bullying does not detract from the person you are. Surround yourself with the people you love and activities you enjoy, and constantly remind yourself that their behavior does not reflect who you are. 
   

Remember, overcoming bullying from someone in a position of authority is a gradual process that requires perseverance and courage. It’s about reclaiming your power and not allowing the bully to live rent-free in your head or diminish your self-worth. Developing resilience, assertiveness, seeking support, and self-care are pivotal in navigating this challenging situation so you can foster a sense of empowerment amidst adversity.

To learn more about effective communication and keeping a positive outlook during stressful times, download our mini-course, “Rise above the chaos and embrace your inner smile.”

In this mini-course, we emphasize the importance of centering your mind and body, creating a state of mental and physical calm. We teach you the value of being mindful of your emotions and the importance of acting objectively rather than subjectively. Additionally, we explore concepts such as “dropping the bone,” mastering the art of taking the high road in an argument, and how to deflect sarcasm. While these skills are crucial to every relationship, they are often overlooked. Here, we guide you and help you develop these essential skills so that you can rely on them when stress and conflict inevitably arise.

Our entire course is also available on our website, as well as books, our blog, and other classes. www.angercoach.com, follow the link and start your journey to a harmonious relationship. 

Healthy communication is the heartbeat of any relationship, a tie that connects two individuals, allowing them to understand, empathize, and support each other in the good and bad times. A solid relationship filled with harmony and understanding relies heavily on effective communication.

When communication breaks down within a relationship, it can be incredibly distressing for both partners. Understanding and acknowledging the underlying issues and implementing effective strategies can help re-establish a healthy and harmonious connection between partners, restoring the bond you shared and allowing for healing.

Causes of Communication Breakdown in a Relationship

• Misaligned Expectations: One common source of communication breakdown is the presence of unspoken or conflicting expectations. It is very typical for partners to have different ideas or opinions about their roles, responsibilities, or the direction of the relationship. When these expectations remain unspoken or misunderstood, it can lead to frustration and resentment. For example, Tamara wanted her husband, Aiden, to be more active in household chores and parenting duties. She was constantly frustrated that he sat in front of the TV when he came home and did not want to help her with the kids or the nightly chores. However, Aiden believed in a more traditional division of labor. He focused on his career, providing for the family, and thought his wife was happy as a homemaker and mother. This misalignment in their expectations created tension and conflicts within their marriage, leaving Tamara feeling hurt and used while Aiden felt frustrated. Neither were happy, yet they did not address the issue. This example emphasizes the importance of open communication and the need to compromise when resolving such matters.

• Emotional Distance: Over time, emotional distance can develop in a marriage, causing partners to become less engaged in open, meaningful conversations. This emotional gap may result from unresolved conflicts, unaddressed issues, apathy, or external stressors, such as work pressures or financial concerns.

• Poor Communication Patterns: Negative communication patterns, such as criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling, can erode any chance of positive communication and lead to escalating conflicts and further deterioration of communication. This cyclical problem eventually spins out of control, leading to a collapse in trust, destroying feelings of love, and creating a wall between the couple that may feel insurmountable.

• Unresolved Issues: Unresolved conflicts or past issues can continue to fester, making it difficult for couples to communicate effectively in the present. These unresolved issues can trigger emotional reactions such as anger, resentment, apathy, or distrust, creating tension, distance, and a communication breakdown where both parties feel victimized.

Consequences of Communication Breakdown

The consequences of communication breakdown in a relationship are profound and can have a lasting impact on both partners:

• Increased Conflict: A small unresolved argument often leads to more frequent and intense conflicts that continue to escalate. This can strain a relationship further and, in extreme cases, result in emotional or even physical harm.

• Emotional Distress: Both partners may experience frustration, resentment, sadness, and anger due to poor communication. These negative emotions can take a toll on your emotional well-being. One person may find themselves getting sick all the time, another may not be sleeping, and this, in turn, affects their health. Our emotional and physical bodies are inextricably linked. We must take care of both the physical and emotional for the good of ourselves and our partners.

• Decreased Intimacy: When communication breaks down between a couple, it can likely result in reduced emotional and physical intimacy. This significantly impacts the quality of any relationship, leading to feelings of resentment as the couple slowly drifts further apart. 

• Risk of Separation or Divorce: Persistent communication breakdown can sadly lead to a breakdown of the relationship itself, as partners may consider separation or divorce the only viable solution.

Overcoming communication breakdowns in a relationship is challenging but certainly achievable. It begins with a slight change on your behalf; your partner may initially not show signs of wanting to make changes but try not to feel disheartened. When you make changes, it encourages your partner to follow suit. The following strategies can help couples work towards effective and harmonious communication:

• Self-Reflection: Take time to self-reflect to understand your communication styles, triggers, and emotional responses. Are you an assertive communicator? A passive-aggressive communicator? Do you tend to take on a more passive role, or do you attack conversation head-on, aggressively? This self-awareness can help individuals take responsibility for their role in communication breakdown. In a past blog post, I covered harmful versus assertive communication, so take the time to learn and understand how you communicate and how to make changes to encourage communication with your partner. That post has many tips and helpful hints, which I will link to at the end of this article.

• Open and Honest Communication: Encourage open, honest, and non-judgmental communication. Create a safe space to share and express your thoughts, feelings, and concerns without fear of criticism or blame. You may like to do this in a setting away from home, take a stroll in the park or a walk on the beach, and talk openly with each other.

• Active Listening: Listening to your partner’s perspective is crucial for understanding their viewpoint. Avoid interrupting and practice empathy by trying to see the situation from their point of view.

• Work as a team: View your partnership from a joint perspective when conflicts arise. Look at the relationship as a ‘we’ instead of a singular. It is easy to look at the world through your eyes, but to do so through your partner takes patience, understanding, and empathy. Practice this technique when listening to an opinion that may not be similar to your own. Put yourself in their shoes and try to understand your partner more deeply. The more you practice, the easier it becomes, and when an argument arises, you can talk together openly, understanding each other’s viewpoints while quickly resolving the issue.

• Seek Professional Help: Couples experiencing persistent communication breakdowns may benefit from the guidance of a trained marriage therapist. As a couples therapist, I provide a neutral, supportive environment and offer valuable insights and techniques for improving communication. My details are at the end of this blog post.

• Conflict Resolution Skills: Learning and applying practical conflict resolution skills, such as compromise and negotiation, can help couples address and resolve issues without escalating arguments. A relationship is about give and take, understanding that we can make changes (within reason) for the person we love, and being confident enough to ask for changes to me made in return. 

• Revisit Expectations: Touching base with each other and revising prior conflicting expectations can prevent misunderstandings and align both partners on their goals and roles within the relationship. It always feels good when you are both on the same page.

Communication breakdown in a marital relationship is a challenging issue that affects many couples, but it is not insurmountable. By understanding the root causes and consequences of communication breakdown and implementing strategies that enable open, honest, and empathetic communication, couples can begin to heal their relationship. A thriving relationship relies on solid communication; talking with your partner about issues can lead to a healthier, more harmonious partnership. Isn’t that what we all want?

To learn more about communication and its importance in your relationship, download our mini-course: “Discover harmony in your relationship: A Psychologist’s guide to conflict resolution.”

This mini-course introduces you to the concept and principles of Verbal Aikido and its application in marital communication. Verbal Aikido empowers you to resolve marital conflict harmoniously, fostering unity in your relationship. We then explore the importance of emotional connection and how modern-day technology has entirely changed our communication methods. Finally, we learn about conflict igniters, what this is, and how this behavior leads to contention and disharmony, and we teach you how to address these behaviors effectively and harmoniously to achieve resolution.

Our entire course is also available on our website, as well as books, our blog, and other classes. www.angercoach.com, follow the link, and start your journey to a harmonious relationship.

To schedule an appointment, please click here.

The holiday season is a time when we pile in the car, drive around our neighborhood, look at the fairy land that is Christmas, and marvel at the creativity of our neighbors. The shops are filled with endless gift opportunities, and the scent of pine trees and gingerbread cookies wafts through our home. 

It is also when many of us try to live up to quite unrealistic expectations. We want to make Christmas time memorable for our little ones, enjoy a home filled with family and friends, and make it a wonderful time for all who enter through the wreath-strung door. 

I honestly believe the only perfect Christmas is in a Hallmark movie. The reality is, the holiday season can be downright stressful at best, grey hair producing for many! 

There have been times when my wife and I would much rather skip the day entirely, get into our comfy clothes, kick back at home, and enjoy a fine wine together, and there are others who may agree with me. This plan never quite pans out for me, and I want to offer you some tips on how to avoid the stomach-churning, headache-inducing stress that can be the holiday season.

Each year, around the middle of November, I begin to notice a change in some of my patients. Their stress levels rise as they grapple with the high expectations they set for themselves for the upcoming holiday season, and this takes a toll, both mentally and physically. 

There is so much that plays on your mind this time of year: food, gifts, the added expense, and, of course, dealing with the challenges of hosting family and friends in the home. 

In this article, we’ll delve into the problems associated with excessively high self-expectations and provide strategies to reduce holiday-related tension, making the season more manageable and enjoyable.

The Perils of High Self-Expectations

Setting excessively high self-expectations, both mentally and physically, can take a toll on your overall well-being. It’s essential to recognize the problems this can cause and to learn how to manage these expectations.

• Mental Expectations: Many of people undue pressure on themselves to create the “perfect” holiday experience, from meticulously decorated homes to flawlessly prepared meals. The constant pursuit of perfection can lead to feelings of inadequacy and stress.

• Physical Expectations: Physically, the holiday season can be exhausting. Preparing large dinners, hosting guests, cleaning, playing referee when the kids argue, and participating in the numerous activities we may be invited to can be tiring. Overcommitting and neglecting self-care can result in burnout and feelings of resentment.

Coping with Hosting Family

Having family come to stay during the holidays can be a double-edged sword. On the one hand, you may love your family; on the other, you can’t wait for them to leave! Here are tips to help you manage tension in your own home and make the experience more enjoyable for everyone:

• Effective Communication: Clear communication is essential. Set boundaries and expectations for the visit, such as how long each family member stays, discuss routines and child care duties, help out in the kitchen, how family can help out by contributing to the food cost and address any potential conflicts before they escalate.

• We all Need Personal Space: Ensure you and your guests have personal space and downtime. Setting boundaries is essential, such as explaining to your guests that your bedroom is off-limits so you can retreat to that space when needed. Or explain in advance that you need to crash for half an hour during the day to recharge. If people understand this, they are more likely to respect your boundaries than wonder where you are and come looking. 

• Respect Differences: Inevitably, family members will not always see eye to eye. People have diverse beliefs, traditions, and preferences. Use empathy by looking at their viewpoint to understand their opinion and avoid imposing your values on others. Embrace the diversity that makes the holiday season rich and meaningful.

• Adjust your Expectations: How many of us have that one family member who had a little too much egg nog, got wobbly legs, and began reminiscing about the ‘good old days’ before falling asleep mid-sentence and filling the room with a cacophony of snores. Or, the one Uncle who loves to brag about his many successes while following you from room to room as you try to get Christmas lunch prepared. As much as we value family, they can drive us to our limits. Try to accept their flaws or limitations. Understand that they will irritate you, and when this happens, acknowledge your feelings and take some time away for yourself. You can’t change who they are but can change how you react. 

• Delegate Tasks: Share responsibilities. Assign specific tasks, such as meal preparation or decorating, to involve everyone and reduce the burden on yourself.

Reducing Tension, is it Time to Dial Things Back?

We all want to make our Christmas something to remember; however, sometimes it feels like expectation exceeds reality. Do we need to run ourselves ragged, making so many different kinds of desserts? Will anyone care if the front yard isn’t decorated? Most of the time, family members just want to spend time with you and enjoy your company. It is important to remember that not everything needs to be perfect. It is far better to let some things go than to run yourself ragged.

• Set Realistic Expectations: Instead of striving for perfection, aim for a realistic and enjoyable holiday experience. Understand that not everything has to go flawlessly.

• Prioritize Self-Care: I know I covered this, but I will repeat it: Take time to look after yourself. Rest, relax, and engage in activities that rejuvenate you. This will save you from collapsing into a heap after your guests leave, you can enjoy the holidays and look forward to next year.

• Learn to Say No: It’s okay to decline some invitations or trim down your holiday commitments. Setting boundaries and prioritizing your well-being is essential.

• Focus on Meaning: Rediscover the true meaning of the holiday season. Spend quality time with loved ones and create cherished memories. In 10 years, no one will remember how perfect the tree was. They will however remember how lovely it was to sit by the fireplace, exchanging stories and enjoying the bond you share.

The holiday season should be a time of joy, not exhaustion. By managing your self-expectations, effectively coping with hosting family, and dialing back your holiday celebrations, you can create a more balanced and enjoyable experience. Remember, it’s about quality, not quantity, and the most precious moments often come from genuine connections with loved ones, free from the burden of excessive expectations.

If you would like to learn more about managing your expectations and how to cope with conflict, especially in your relationship, download our mini-course: Rise Above the Chaos and Embrace your Inner Smile.

In this course, we emphasize the importance of centering your mind and body, creating a state of mental and physical calm. We teach you the value of being mindful of your emotions and the importance of acting objectively rather than subjectively. Additionally, we explore concepts such as “dropping the bone”, mastering the art of taking the high road in an argument, and how to deflect sarcasm. While these skills are a crucial part of every relationship they are often overlooked. Here we guide you and help you develop these essential skills so that you can rely on them when stress and conflict inevitably arise.

Our entire course is also available on our website, as well as books, our blog, and other classes. www.angercoach.com, follow the link, and start your journey to a harmonious relationship.

Thanksgiving is a time of joy, celebration, and eating massive amounts of food while the buttons on our pants strain for dear life. It’s when families come together to create lasting memories and reminisce about past feasts, succulent turkey, and football games won and lost. However, this time of year can also be challenging for many, as it brings the dynamics and tensions within family units to the forefront. 

As the big day approaches, stress levels increase, which can have a domino effect. Someone may have a bad day and snap at you in the store. This makes you mad, and you arrive home feeling vexed and annoyed and, in turn, take it out on your partner. Anger and stress are unwanted gifts that keep giving, which tends to be exacerbated this time of year.

As a family therapist, I’ve witnessed firsthand the struggles that people face when dealing with problematic family members during the holidays. I want to offer some guidance and advice to help you through the holiday season.

The Reality Behind Holiday and Family Conflicts:

The holiday season creates the perfect environment to re-ignite deep-seated family dynamics, stirring up emotions we thought were long forgotten. For instance, adult children returning home may revert to their old roles, leading to power struggles and disagreements. Past grievances can resurface, rekindling old conflicts while spending extended periods in close quarters with family. This can lead to cabin fever, sibling rivalries, or other interpersonal issues that magnify underlying tensions.

Awkward Conversations:

The holiday season brings out both the best and worst in people. Someone will inevitably bring up a topic of conversation that rubs another the wrong way; it wouldn’t be the holiday season without it. 

I know a couple who are asked every Thanksgiving, ‘So, when will you start a family?” They have no intention of having children, and they explain this every year, but people continue to ask and always feel uncomfortable.

So, how do you react to questions or topics such as this, especially when sensitive matters such as politics, religion, or personal life choices arise? Here are some strategies to help you navigate these conversations:

• Redirect the Conversation: When a touchy subject arises, gently shift the conversation towards a safer, neutral topic. For example, if politics come up, you might say, “Speaking of politics, did you catch the latest ball game or binge-watch anything recently?” Try to lighten the atmosphere without being dismissive.

• Active Listening: When someone expresses their opinion, actively listen without immediately responding or placing judgment. This can help defuse tension and encourage open dialogue. 

• Practice Empathy: When engaged in a conversation you may disagree with, try using empathy to understand the topic from the other person’s perspective. Put yourself in their shoes and look at how and why they may have their opinion. We sometimes argue before the other person can finish their thought and miss a crucial point that changes everything. Remember, it is OK not to agree with everyone; we all have the right to our opinions.

• Set Boundaries: Communicate your boundaries politely but firmly. If someone persists in discussing a topic that makes you uncomfortable, say something like, “I’d prefer not to discuss this right now. Let’s focus on enjoying our time together.”

Toxic Family Members:

Dealing with a toxic family member adds yet another layer of complexity to our holiday season. I know several patients who dread this time of year; their stress levels rise because they know they have to deal with that one person in the family who seems to go out of their way to make their day miserable. Here are some strategies to manage such situations:

• Choose Your Battles: Not every issue needs to be confronted during the holidays. Assess the importance of the problem and decide whether it’s worth addressing. Conversations can be shelved and picked up at a more appropriate time. There may be topics that you will always have differing views on. It is OK to agree to disagree and say as such in a kind yet firm manner, for example: “I don’t think we are going to see eye to eye on this topic; let’s drop this and chat about something else.”

• Limit Interaction: Spend time with toxic family members in small doses, and make sure you have a support system in place to help you cope with any negativity. Chat with your support people ahead of time; you can even have a code word or subtle gesture you can give them so they can step in and help distract from the conversation. Be sure to ask them if they feel comfortable doing this so they don’t have to choose sides.

• Be Kind to You: Prioritize self-care during the holiday season. Engage in activities that help you relax and recharge, such as walking, exercising, or just taking time away from the family to read a chapter of your book, walk your dog, unwind, and lower your stress levels. 

• Keep a positive outlook and embrace your inner smile: When things begin to go south and tensions rise, keeping a smile on our faces and our thoughts in a positive place can be challenging. However, remember that this time of year is fleeting; things will return to normal, and there is the opportunity to create some fantastic memories. When your stress levels build, think of something you are looking forward to or focus on the positives of the holiday. You may be thrilled to see your Dad after many months of separation, or your sister may have done something ridiculous that you can both laugh about for years to come. It is the small things that keep us going.

Remember that every family has its quirks, and while conflicts may arise, they don’t define the entire holiday experience. Focus on the love and shared moments that make the holiday season special, and remember, if things get stressful, there is always pumpkin pie!

To learn more about effective communication and keeping a positive outlook during stressful times, download our mini-course, “Rise above the chaos and embrace your inner smile.”

In this mini-course, we emphasize the importance of centering your mind and body, creating a state of mental and physical calm. We teach you the value of being mindful of your emotions and the importance of acting objectively rather than subjectively. Additionally, we explore concepts such as “dropping the bone,” mastering the art of taking the high road in an argument, and how to deflect sarcasm. While these skills are crucial to every relationship, they are often overlooked. Here, we guide you and help you develop these essential skills so that you can rely on them when stress and conflict inevitably arise.

Our entire course is also available on our website, as well as books, our blog, and other classes. www.angercoach.com, follow the link and start your journey to a harmonious relationship. 

In my decades of practice, I have learned that subjective reality has much to answer for. If it were a character in a novel, it would most certainly be the most cunning and manipulative antagonist. Subjective reality has caused some of the largest roof-raising arguments I have ever heard, and if we look back at our own lives, I am sure we can relate.

So, let’s start with the basics. Objective reality encompasses the tangible world that exists independently of individual perception. These are occurrences that are physically measured. Such as, it is 71 degrees at the moment, or there is an Oak tree growing in our front yard.

Then we have Subjective Reality – This is how each partner experiences events. Two people can and often experience the same thing very differently. At 71 degrees, one person says, ‘I feel cold in here,’ and the other states, ‘ I feel hot.’ One person remembers events one way, and another disagrees.

As a psychologist, exploring the dynamic relationship between these two dimensions of reality is intriguing, as they significantly influence our thoughts, behaviors, and overall mental well-being, and our ‘friend,’ subjective reality, is the cause of many arguments.

Objective Reality: Our Common Ground

Objective reality provides the foundation on which our relationship is built. It includes shared experiences, external events, and the physical, observable aspects of the partnership.

In a relationship, objective reality includes elements such as the history of the relationship, such as joint financial decisions, and the physical responsibilities and roles each partner assumes. It is the backdrop against which the drama of life unfolds.

Understanding and acknowledging objective reality is crucial for every relationship. This common ground provides stability and a shared reality within the relationship. It gives you something to turn to when times get hard.

Subjective Reality: A Personal Perspective

Subjective reality is the lens through which each partner perceives and interprets the objective world of their life and the relationship. It encompasses personal emotions, beliefs, values, and individual experiences. This dimension of reality influences each partner’s subjective experiences and reactions within the marriage.

Within a relationship, subjective reality is often closely tied to emotions such as love, happiness, jealousy, or anger. It shapes the unique perceptions of the relationship’s quality and the roles and expectations of each partner. Subjective reality also molds individual interpretations of events and interactions, adding depth and personal significance to objective experiences.

For example, Cassie, now in her late 30s, had a tumultuous relationship in her early 20s. Her boyfriend, Mike, flirted with other women, canceled dates at the last minute to hang out with his mates, and his moods would turn from hot to cold in a heartbeat, creating chaos and instability in Cassie’s life. Cassie longed for a committed relationship, but Mike would never commit. One day, while Cassie was at home, listening to music, Mike sent her a text saying the relationship was over. Despite the tumultuous relationship, Cassie was heartbroken. To this day, Cassie can not listen to that specific song that was playing when she received the text without the memory coming flooding back. Despite his unwavering kindness and gentle demeanor towards her, she feels very unsettled when her husband is in a bad mood and is a stickler for ensuring she honors her commitments.  Our past shapes our present, coloring our subjective understanding of our experiences.

The Interplay Between Objective and Subjective Reality in Your Relationship

The interplay between objective and subjective realities is the canvas on which our relationship is painted. It is essential to recognize that this interplay is not always harmonious; honestly, there would be something very wrong if it were. Conflict is normal and, at times, essential in any relationship as it helps clear misunderstandings and encourages needed change. 

Arguments, misunderstandings, and conflicts arise when a partner interprets and responds to objective events and circumstances. The objective reality may remain constant, but their reaction to the subjective realities can differ significantly, leading to differing opinions.

For instance, Zara and Nathaniel saved for many years to put a deposit down on their investment property. This was a decision they made together, and this is now a shared objective reality. However, Zara and Nathaniel react very differently when they receive the keys to the property. Zara is thrilled; this is a step towards her financial security, and she is already lining up tenants. Nathaniel, on the other hand, is worried. Despite choosing to invest, he can’t stop thinking of the risk. Nathaniel grew up in a home where his parents struggled to make ends meet, whereas Zara’s parents came from money. This reaction is shaped by their own subjective reality—shaped by their beliefs, fears, and personal financial experiences—resulting in vastly different emotional responses.

Navigating Marital Challenges Through a Balanced Perspective

As a Psychologist, I often work with couples to help them navigate the dynamic between objective and subjective realities. A balanced perspective integrating both dimensions is critical to promoting a healthy, fulfilling relationship. It involves acknowledging and validating each partner’s reality while grounding it in objective reality.

For example, in couples therapy, I may assist a couple to explore how each partner’s subjective experiences and emotions influence their reactions and interactions within the objective reality of the marriage. This process can help identify misunderstandings and areas of potential conflict, ultimately fostering healthier communication and mutual understanding.

Using Irimi to understand your partner better.

In my practice, I use a technique called Verbal Aikido. Aikido is a Japanese martial art founded by Morihei Ueshiba during the period of the Pacific War when Japan engaged in some of the most violent conflicts of the 20th century. He developed Aikido as a way to join together in peace. Its aim is not to defeat an adversary but to unify oneself and create harmony.

Aikido can be translated as “The way to harmonize energies.”

One Aikido technique I regularly is called Irimi. Irimi encourages you to focus on your partner to understand their energy and its origin. This essential and peaceful step helps defuse conflict, taking the hostility and anger out of the situation so that you can both sit down and come to a harmonious understanding.

To better understand your partner’s experienced or subjective reality using an Irimi move, try asking the following questions or statements:

• “What was your biggest turn-off about this?”
• “I think I would also have trouble coping with that.”
• “Okay, I think I understand. It sounds like you’re feeling ______.”
• “That would make me feel insecure, too.”
• “Are there parts of yourself that are in conflict?”
• “What meaning does this have for you?”
• “How might this situation impact you?”

Knowing that you care enough to understand your partner’s viewpoint often serves to diffuse negative emotions better, allowing you both to find workable solutions to your conflicts.

In the ever-changing dance that is a relationship, the interplay between objective and subjective realities is always present. Recognizing the influence of both dimensions on the relationship is essential to help cultivate a deeper understanding of your partner while showing them you want to learn and improve within your marriage. 

Couples who work together to address challenges create a stronger, more resilient bond in their marriage by cultivating a balanced perspective that integrates both dimensions. As a psychologist, I stress the importance of embracing this duality to promote healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

To learn more about objective versus subjective reality and its importance in your relationship, download our mini-course: “Discover harmony in your relationship: A Psychologist’s guide to conflict resolution.”

This mini course introduces you to the concept and principals of Verbal Aikido and its application in marital communication. Verbal Aikido empowers you to resolve marital conflict in a harmonious manner that fosters unity in your relationship. We then explore the importance of emotional connection and how modern day technology has entirely changed our communication methods. Finally, we learn about conflict igniters, what this is, how this behaviour leads to contention and disharmony and we teach you how to address these behaviours effectively and harmoniously to achieve resolution.

Our entire course is also available on our website, as well as books, our blog, and other classes. www.angercoach.com, follow the link, and start your journey to a harmonious relationship.

Last week, we looked at two forms of harmful communication, how they could negatively affect a relationship and alternative ways to communicate so that resolution occurs positively and healthily.

This week, we continue our journey into this topic.

Harmful communication style #1 – Contempt.

Contempt is a communication style that expresses feelings of inferiority, where the receiver of contempt feels looked down upon, lesser than, or scorned by the communicator.

This is a very destructive form of communication, and when treated in this manner, it leads to feelings of inadequacy, shame, or despise by your partner.

Some typical behaviors of contemptuous communication include:

• Name-calling, belittling, swearing, or being disrespectful.
• Gaslighting or denying the importance of the other’s feelings.
• Pressuring others to do things against their core values.
• Humiliating, insulting, or ridiculing in front of others, especially family members and children.

 Example of contemptuous communication:

“You spent how long cooking this meal? It tastes terrible! You couldn’t follow the recipe; you’re an idiot.”

This manner of speech only serves to hurt and is, in my profession, not surprisingly, a significant predictor of divorce.

Harmful communication style #2 – Criticism.

Unsurprisingly, criticism towards others tends to elicit a negative response. Criticism is a harmful communication pattern as it immediately puts others on the defensive and causes negative emotions. 

Expressing dissatisfaction or sharing a grievance is a part of a healthy relationship. We need this to help guide a marriage, learn what the other needs, and understand our needs. However, when a grievance turns into outright criticism, a person feels attacked or judged. 

Example: 

“You went to the hairdressers? You look worse than when you went in! Like I said, you would look much better if you let your hair grow out.”

Most people can not deal with long-term criticism, yet unfortunately, critical people are often unaware of their actions. They believe they are “helping” or “improving” their partner and do not understand why they become defensive in response. 

Using criticism as a form of communication slowly destroys a relationship; it erodes self-esteem and slowly removes the love and positive feelings others may have felt for you. 

If you use criticism or contempt as a form of communication, here are two techniques to help you express yourself so that people will be receptive to your insight, feelings, and complaints.

Assertive communication method #1 – Express complaints by using gentle inquiry.

Words hold tremendous power when used to elicit either negative or positive responses. Sometimes, we may have the best intentions in our wording yet are unaware that we are perceived as hostile, aggressive, or apathetic.

Individuals proficient in assertive communication prioritize the consequences of their words. When faced with problem-solving scenarios, they employ considerate questioning using gentle inquiry rather than confrontational strategies.

For example, Your partner offered to go to the store to pick up groceries for dinner. However, despite having a list, they forgot most items when they arrived home and returned with chocolate and desserts instead.

This situation is very frustrating as it requires either scrounging in the cupboards to make something new or going to the store to get the correct items. 

It would be effortless to lose your temper, either grab the keys and say, “I will just do it myself,” or get angry at your partner. You are justified to feel annoyed, but instead of using anger to communicate, try using the following:

“I feel”… Describe your feelings.

“When you”… Describe the behavior that bothers you.

“Because”… Describe how this behavior affects you.

“I need”… Request the changes you want the person to make.

For example:

I feel (annoyed) when you (come back from the shops without the right groceries) because I feel (like I have to do it myself and can’t rely on you for help). I need you to (remember to read the list and be mindful of buying what is on there) this way (I can get the kid’s homework done while you help with the shopping), meaning (we can spend more time together later). 

Example #2

You hear your wife talking on the phone with her best friend about your sex life. This hurts you deeply as you don’t talk about this with your mates.

I heard you speaking with your friend about our sex life, and I feel (very hurt and betrayed by this) because I feel (this is private, and I am not comfortable having others know about the intimacy we share). I understand (that you need to talk with someone, but could you please refrain from sharing intimate details with others). I need to trust that (what happens in our bedroom is between us, and if you want to talk things through, please come and speak to me first).

Does this formula work every time? Of course not. However, it is a very effective form of communication when used correctly. 

Assertive communication method #2: Give and receive praise readily.

People like hearing that they are appreciated, especially by their partner. Instead of trying to change someone through criticism or contempt, compliment the aspects of your partner that you genuinely respect.

 If you need to request your partner to make a change, consider using a genuine compliment while maintaining authenticity to your feelings and needs. For example :

“Thank you for washing the car; I appreciate the help. If I can ask, you put the bucket and rags back in the garage next time. I always do it, and I would appreciate it if you could pop them back in the same place.”

Here, you’re showing genuine appreciation for a chore well done while also asking for a small change.

Praising someone opens you up to see the positives; this way, when a problem arises, you can look back on all you appreciate about your partner instead of dwelling on the negatives. A healthy, happy couple sees the positive in each other; they can look past minor annoyances and let go of these so that when a problem does arise, they can address it from a place of mutual respect and love.

Effective communication plays a crucial role in every relationship. Engaging in open, kind, and honest dialogue enhances your connection with your partner and creates a shared history. This foundation of shared experiences enables you to confidently tackle problems and fortify your relationship.

It is easy to fall into communication patterns that harm us and those around us. Unfortunately, this often results in tense workplace relationships, soured friendships, and, in the case of your relationship, partner conflict that can inevitably lead to divorce.

Today, we will address two harmful communication styles and offer some techniques and examples to improve your communication.  

Harmful Pattern Number One: Passive-Aggression

Passive aggression is an emotionally harmful, covert manner of communicating feelings of anger but doing so indirectly. Some people may not be aware they are doing this, as it has become an ingrained part of their communication pattern. Others know what they are doing and use it to get back at people, to ‘stick the knife in’ instead of confronting them directly.

In my experience, passive-aggressive communicator tries to manipulate the situation to their advantage, using underhanded tactics, and when confronted, they often deny they are doing this.

Examples of harmful, passive-aggressive behavior:

• You are joking at your partner’s expense in front of your friends, humiliating them and making them feel lesser.
• You are playing dumb to frustrate someone or gain the upper hand.
• They are ignoring someone, walking out of the room when they speak, or refusing to answer them when spoken to.
• Nit-picking and arguing over small things to avoid dealing with the real issue.
• Perpetually portraying yourself as the victim, you take no responsibility or accept any need to change your behavior. 

Harmful pattern number two: Avoidance.

In marital research, this is also termed “stonewalling.” While this may occur in both genders, it is more prevalent in men than women. Avoidance refers to someone being emotionally unavailable and deliberately cutting themselves off from someone. They may not want anything to do with a specific person or avoid discussing the topic causing the conflict.

Avoidance can come in the form of walking out of the room, changing the subject, ignoring others when they speak, or making it known that their interest is elsewhere when the uncomfortable topic is brought up, for example, turning on the television as the discussion begins.

 For example, Sarah and Tom had been close friends since college, sharing a deep bond for over a decade. However, every few months, a minor disagreement or misunderstanding would trigger Tom’s intense anger. Sarah struggled to handle these outbursts; her response was to avoid his texts and calls for a week. This strained their friendship. Following each incident, she would withdraw and create emotional distance, leaving Tom feeling isolated and hurt despite his sincere apologies and efforts to repair the connection.

The Assertive Communicator

Assertive communication enables people to explain their thoughts clearly, wants, needs, and feelings to people without offending others or feeling the need to walk away or avoid the situation.

Assertive communication skill number one: Send a clear message.

An assertive communicator understands that body language is vital to good communication. Research shows that 80% of communication is done without words, using non-verbal behavior. If your comments say one thing, but your body language is saying another, the listener may need clarification. 

Imagine your friend pouring their heart out, saying their relationship just ended. You offer your sympathy and genuinely do feel for them, but all the while, you constantly look at your phone and check your watch while you gather up your car keys. The message would be clear. I am sorry, but I want to get out of here and get on with my day. You may not even be aware of your actions, but those we talk with certainly see the signs.

When talking with a loved one, pay close attention to your body language and actions. 

• Facial expressions 
• Eye contact
• Posture 
• Hand movement (fiddling with keys, phone)
• The tone of your voice

Assertive communication skill number two: Learn to listen.

Assertive communicators have well-developed listening skills. As you may notice, many people need to improve their listening skills. They may be distracted with their phones or simply waiting, somewhat impatiently, for their turn to talk rather than listening deeply to what you are saying.

Hearing occurs with our ears, while listening engages our hearts. Put down distractive devices, take a deep breath, and actively listen to the other person. Think about what they are saying and let them talk openly and freely without interruption. When you reply, do so sincerely and respond from the heart instead of moving onto a topic that may interest you more.

 Just remember, taking the time to listen may help someone you love out of a place of inner turmoil. Being open to hearing brings you closer in your relationship and helps strengthen the bond you share.

Every day, the world we live in presents us with innumerable challenges. This results in a constant source of stress; from worrying if we are going to be on time to pick up the kids, what to prepare for dinner with little in the fridge to having to take time from work to care for your child who is home sick. Then there are the worries that keep us up at night; major financial struggles, the cost of living crisis, mortgage hikes to the constant media pressure highlighting the latest tragedy. No wonder we are all on edge.

Unfortunately, as our stress builds, so too can our anger. Participants in both my anger management class and relationship therapy sessions often say that they don’t always know what causes their stress, they are unable to pinpoint the exact issue but it seems overwhelming.

Stress is created when you have more demands placed upon you than you have the ability to meet those demands. For example, you must have four presentations completed by Friday, it is almost the end of the week and each presentation takes a day to prepare. The stress you feel builds as you watch the clock, struggling to make the deadline. Unfortunately, such stress is inevitable and is often brought home into the family environment.

One of the major challenges we face is trying to foster a loving and ongoing relationship with our partner while simultaneously coping with the daily demands and expectations of life. Sometimes this is simply not possible and it is our relationship that suffers, causing yet another source of anxiety.

In my years of practice, I have helped countless couples, guiding them through identifying their major source of stress, teaching them stress and anger management techniques, and how to repair problems building within a relationship due to these issues.

My new course, “Anger and your Relationship: The Road to Repair” focuses on providing you with the skills you need to transform your relationship from conflict to peace, even if your partner does not actively participate in the process.

You can click here to access the course.

The program consists of 23 short videos and many practical worksheets and exercises. This is presented in a way to keep you committed, motivated, and engaged.

We also offer mini-courses of the same program.

“The challenges you have faced, the heart break you have felt may someday

inspire others so they don’t have to walk the same path.”

Be kind to yourself and others and thank you for supporting us.

Kind regards,

Dr. Tony Fiore

It takes a lot of mental and emotional energy to hold a grudge. Negative feelings have the ability to hold us captive, keeping us in the past and preventing us from moving forward in life.

When we hold a grudge in a relationship, we remain with one foot firmly planted in the past. Some people may use past grievances as a tool against their partner, others hurt so badly that they are unable to move forward for fear of being scarred again.

In my practice, I am often asked ‘How do I forgive?’ or ‘I don’t know how to let go of the hurt, can ever trust them again?’ Forgiveness is not about forgetting but about learning to live peacefully where you are no longer intimately connected to the emotional pain.

There are times when we must come to terms with the fact that there are aspects, or perpetual issues within our relationship that may never change and holding onto these harms us in the long term.

When you learn how to resolve perpetual issues within yourself, your resentment slowly begins to dissolve. Acceptance, forgiveness and adaptation is often the only solution to this.

If the problem between you is a deal breaker (and some are), then break or modify the deal. Otherwise, know that you will be much happier if you can let go of the closely held resentment by dropping the bone per se.

In my new course, “Anger and your Relationship – The Road to Repair”, I teach you how to let go of resentment and grudges. I explain why this feeling can have positive and negative benefits and how you can work to move forward and truly forgive.

Social awareness plays a crucial role in our interactions with others, yet some people seem completely unaware of the impact they have on those around them. They may unintentionally upset people in various settings, like at work or within their family, yet remain puzzled when confronted with negative reactions.

Their lack of empathy prevents them from understanding how their behavior affects others, resulting in the person continuing their behavior which ultimately results in the same unwanted outcome. It is a vicious cycle that can be hard to break and hurtful for all involved.

To increase social awareness, one effective approach is to operate on two mental levels simultaneously—similar to a computer that is running a main program while having an additional program running quietly in the background.

The main program involves conveying a specific message, such as asking your partner to complete a task within the home or to do something for a family member. Meanwhile, the other program encourages you to envision how you may appear and sound as you deliver this message. You are simultaneously asserting yourself while ensuring you do so in a positive yet kind manner.

A valuable technique I frequently employed in anger management courses involves patients imagining there is a video camera recording their daily interactions. I then encourage individuals to ask themselves:

• “How am I currently presenting myself?”
• “How do others perceive me from their point of view?”
• “Is the message I intend to deliver the same as the one they are receiving?”
  By adopting this dual perspective, you can develop a heightened sense of social awareness, leading to more positive and effective communication with others and within your relationship.

This innovative mini course provides you with an insight into the dynamics of your relationship. We show you how to recognize dysfunctional patterns, give insight into why you fight and explore the neurobiological responses of the brain in stressful situations. We then provide you with a set of techniques to follow to effectively and harmoniously address and resolve conflict in your relationship.

This course features the following:

• Online class based on material developed by Dr Tony Fiore specific to anger and relationships
• 3 professionally created videos that explain the concepts and enhance your online learning experience
• Short and fun quizzes to give you feedback on your progress in learning the material
• A downloadable MP3 demonstrating the concepts presented in this mini course

In addressing partner conflict, the first step is not to focus on your partner but on yourself. In this mini course, we emphasize the importance of centering your mind and body, creating a state of mental and physical calm. We teach you the value of being mindful of your emotions and the importance of acting objectively rather than subjectively. Additionally, we explore concepts such as “dropping the bone”, mastering the art of taking the high road in an argument, and how to deflect sarcasm. While these skills are a crucial part of every relationship they are often overlooked. Here we guide you and help you develop these essential skills so that you can rely on them when stress and conflict inevitably arise.

This course features the following:

• Online class based on material developed by Dr Tony Fiore specific to anger and relationships
• 4 professionally created videos that explain the concepts and enhance your online learning experience
• Short and fun quizzes to give you feedback on your progress in learning the material
• Downloadable PDFs containing worksheets for you to complete at your leisure so that you can record and evaluate your progress through the program

Lynn, age 40 was in the luggage station at the airport with her sister-in-law. They patiently waited for the airline to find their luggage—as did her husband circling the airport in his car in attempts to transport the women home.

After two hours, Lynn decided to take action; she angrily confronted a supervisor, indicating loss of patience and incredulity at their lack of concern over the issue.

Guess what? Presto! The luggage was found within about 10 minutes with ample apology from the supervisor.

Clearly the angry confrontation “worked” in the sense that it got the desired behavioral result and there were no negative consequences or “costs” to the angry expression.

While anger is NOT appropriate most of the time, there are circumstances when anger expression is in fact the right thing to do.

Lesson #1: Anger expression is good if it gets results without a high emotional, financial, personal or social cost.

John was a legal professional who had been unjustly accused of impropriety with one of his clients. She had filed a report with his professional licensing board.

John was traumatized and fearful, as this had never happened in over 25 years of practice as a family law attorney. After giving in to his feelings for several months (which almost incapacitated him) he decided to see a criminal defense lawyer and fight for his career.

Once he got past his hurt, humiliation and self-pity, he was able to get in touch with his anger in the form of “righteous indignation.” That transition energized and motivated him to protect himself and survive the unfair and untrue accusations against him which threatened his distinguished career.

Lesson #2 – Anger can be a good thing if it gets us past fear and paralysis and catapults us into appropriate action.

Lesson #3 – Anger can be a good thing if it switches us from apathy and inaction to positive intention and helps us refocus on our broader life goals.

Like the mythical desert bird that rose from its ashes, Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) is a phoenix that emerged from tragedy.

Candy Lightner founded MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving) in 1980 following the death of her 13-year-old daughter Cari in Fair Oaks, Calif., on May 3.

Sadly, Cari was walking to a school carnival when a drunk driver struck her from behind. The driver had three prior drunk driving convictions and was out on bail from a hit-and-run arrest two days earlier. Today, MADD is the largest crime victims’ assistance organization in the world with more than 3 million members and supporters.

Lesson #4: Anger is good if we convert it to a social positive and make an improvement in the world.

Shelly had a friend who was constantly late. This was very upsetting to Stacy, who never said anything about it. Instead, she began to make excuses not to see her friend.

She was on the verge of losing a valuable friendship. One day she mustered up her courage and decided to tell her friend that being late was difficult for her, making her feel unimportant, angry and resentful.

The friend’s response? Contrary to Shelly’s fears, the friend did not bolt! Rather, she decided that she valued Shelly’s honesty— then apologized profusely and began arriving on time.

Lesson #5; Appropriately asserting yourself rather than holding in anger often facilitates a closer relationship. It is very difficult for people to choose the option to change their behavior if they don’t know you are upset with them.

Pennsylvania — A parent body slammed a high school referee after he ordered the man’s wife out of the gym for allegedly yelling obscenities during a basketball game.

The referee was treated at a hospital for a concussion and released after the attack. Charged with simple assault, assault on a sports official, reckless endangerment and disorderly conduct was a 47 year old father.

Kentucky – A father of a T-ball player was briefly jailed after an outburst against an umpire during a game involving 5- and 6- year-olds.

The accused threatened to beat the umpire moments before walking onto the field and starting a fight with an official., according to the criminal complaint. A girl who was playing in the game suffered a minor injury when she was struck in the face during the scuffle.

Every day in America and around the world, sports officials are physically and verbally harassed. Most incidents do not require police or medical assistance, but in some cases, the harassment turns violent.

The fact that such behavior occurs at sporting events involving youth participants is appalling in itself, but the frequency in which these reports now occur is even more disturbing.

NASO (National Association of Sports Officials) receives more than 100 reports annually that involve physical contact between coaches, players, fans and officials. The nearly 18,000 member organization is not the “clearinghouse for bad behavior,” says NASO President Barry Mano, but it is the belief by NASO that the reports it receives is only the “tip of the iceberg.”
Loss of control by parents has long-term negative effects on the lives of the children, the school, and the parents themselves, as the following story illustrates:

Florida—A Parent enters the soccer field to check on his son, who has been injured in a skirmish for the ball. Angry that a more severe penalty had not been levied on the opposing player, the parent confronts the referee and shoves him to the ground.

After the school had to forfeit the game, the parent was later banned from attending all extracurricular activities involving the school for at least one year and possibly through his son’s graduation.

What causes parents to lose control?

According to sports psychologist Darrell Burnett, Ph.D., often such parents are reliving unrealized dreams through their children. They somehow get caught up in the win-at-all cost frenzy.

The core problem comes from parents being too invested, emotionally and financially, in their children’s games. They sometimes have misplaced self esteem. Another factor, according to Dr. Burnett, is a general attitude in our society encouraging us to retaliate when frustrated rather than using negotiation skills: “somebody pushes their buttons and away they go.”

Can these parents change?

Yes, if they desire it. Learning to manage sports anger is a process of applying two of the eight core tools of anger control: (1) Adjust expectations of performance to realistic levels and (2) communicate displeasure you may have with assertive communication skills.

Specific tips for Sports Parents

• Keep a moderate level of intensity – not completely detached, but not overly aggressive.
• Adjust your expectations to a realistic level by putting the sporting event into proper perspective. Also:
• Don’t yell at the coach or child. If you have an issue, discuss it assertively at the appropriate time.
• Don’t try to coach from the sidelines. Again, if you have an issue with the coach, your child, or other children, discuss it privately.
• Stay interested, supportive and positive.
• Praise the effort and the progress as achievement, not just the outcome.
• Model good sportsmanship.