Sitting at my computer this morning, staring at a blank page, I began toying with an idea. This quickly took form in my imagination, and I wanted to share it with you.
I was thinking: What would it look like if our emotions, such as happiness, love, and joy, were real people? Picture our fictional characters gathered around a campfire, the sky clear and filled with stars and the air sweet with the scent of toasted marshmallows. The drinks flow freely as old friends gather to catch up.
In my mind’s eye, I see Happiness stretched out in front of the campfire. He is a cool guy, always relaxed and surrounded by loyal friends. He has a guitar in hand and belts out rock songs from the ’80s. His voice is deep and strong, and his energy is infectious.
Joy is sitting on a log beside him, singing along, her arm firmly around Love as they sway to the beat.
Excitement has parked himself next to the beer cooler, telling jokes while Empathy laughs until tears run down her cheeks.
Then we have Anger, who is hunched in the shadows, quietly seething because no one wants to talk with them. They look at the happy group, watching and despising the enjoyment they derive from each other’s company.
In my make-believe scenario, Anger is lonely. Anger doesn’t know how to express themselves, so the black cloud surrounding them continues to fester and grow. Anger has isolated themselves so much that they don’t know how to approach the group. Instead of trying to fit in, they feel blame and hate, and in turn, the rest of the emotions stay away from Anger for fear of being hurt.
Now, what if Anger changed the way they communicate? Anger knows they can be rude and abrupt; this comes naturally to them. However, Anger can learn to express themselves calmly and measuredly. Anger may not have the charm that Empathy does, and it may not make people laugh like Excitement does, but Anger has its place in the group because without it, the myriad of human emotions is incomplete.
I want to point out that anger is a normal and healthy emotion. Anger expressed as physical, verbal, or emotional outbursts is unhealthy and potentially dangerous. However, we must all try to understand the anger we feel, learn to trust that it is natural to have these feelings, and then practice expressing anger in a way so other people are willing to listen.
Here are a couple of tips for expressing anger healthily.
When you feel angry, take time for yourself until you have calmed down. Some people choose to go for a walk, spend time with a pet, or even read a book. When engaging in a conversation, you need to think with the logical part of the brain rather than your reactive side.
Use “I Feel” statements as opposed to placing blame. Instead of saying, “You make me feel worthless.” Try saying, “I feel worthless when you speak to me this way.” People are more likely to listen when you speak your truth.
Remember to be mindful of your tone of voice. Yelling and cussing can trigger a defensive response in the other person. They may shut down on you, walk away, or yell in return, which does nothing to help the situation. Keep your voice as calm as possible. This may be hard when emotions run high, but if you feel yourself wanting to yell, pause the conversation and resume it again when you regain your control.
Timing is essential. Trying to express anger healthily when the kids are running wild, dinner is burning, or the television is blaring is a recipe for disaster. Wait until the kids are in bed, the chaos of dinner time has passed, and you are in a quieter setting.
Just as your tone of voice matters, so does your body language. Be aware of the nonverbal messages you’re sending. Approaching a conversation with crossed arms and a scowl is unlikely to create a space for open and honest dialogue.
Last of all, practice makes perfect. You may feel scared to approach your partner and express that you feel angry because, in the past, it ended in a huge fight. It can take time to learn to listen to each other, feel safe to open up, and accept that anger is a healthy emotion, especially if your habit was to yell or cuss. Over time, you will both learn to trust each other with anger, expressing your feelings before they build up so that molehills no longer turn into mountains.
Inviting Anger to our fictional campfire creates a safe space for this often misunderstood emotion to be expressed and acknowledged. Instead of shunning or suppressing anger, we foster an environment where we can share our perspectives and feelings, ultimately leading to personal growth and a deeper connection with ourselves and our partner.
I recently launched a new program called “From Conflict to Connection,” which helps couples learn the tools they need to navigate the challenges within their relationship. This program helps transform obstacles into opportunities for reconnection and each step lays the foundation for a fulfilling partnership built on love and mutual respect.
If this approach resonates with you, visit my website or book a free Telehealth consultation by speaking with Marina at 714-496-6120. Or click here to visit my website
